I just really needed a place to put this and maybe get some feedback that is outside my usual circles. I have friends that I can and will discuss it with, but right now my closest friend is the one I'm in turmoil about.
To catch everyone up, about 2 weeks ago or so, D and I had a conversation about our relationship and basically decided to call it what it is, a very nice friendship that we don't want to spoil. As far as break ups go, it's been pretty ok, though I'm still pretty sad at times.
Anyways, for the past several months, I've been forming a very close friendship with a fellow named Z, and this has all been on the up and up as far as D goes. He was in the loop and we discussed my interest in potentially pursuing Z in a more sexual way and had his blessing. Moot now, but just to give some back ground.
Z has some significant disability issues, but nothing that would prevent me from being interested, though I really wasn't attracted to him until recently, like probably within the last two months. We had gone to a bdsm party and had some very light electrical play with another girl, I also tied her up a bit and just basically were hanging out. I noticed at one point that he had an erection (a significant event which I might go into further later on). For some reason, after all was said and done, I couldn't get the thought of it out of my brain, and was intensely aroused by it. Maybe because he was comfortable enough in our surrounding to get aroused/play a bit, or maybe I suddenly just saw him as a sexual creature for the first time. At any rate, it was like I got smacked up the head with it.
Our conversations have always been very sexual in nature, but in an analytical sharing sort of way. Z had a bad break up last year and we've been processing a lot of it together, mostly just having someone to talk to about it and bounce thoughts off of has helped I think. It's become a very intimate friendship in terms of what we talk about, share, etc and we've become each other's wingmen, confidantes, cooking partners and overall best friends.
Anyways, back to the story. Trying to preserve honesty of our friendship, I told him that I was having trouble sleeping because I kept thinking of his hard dick and couldn't get it out of my head. I expected no reciprocation but maybe just some amusement over it. He wanted to discuss it further, and we had a rather awkward, uncomfortable and confusing conversation over wine a few days later. He expressed an interest, sort of, but was worried about D (who I was still with) and our friendship and that any sort of play may have to include sex and that he was also worried that he might not respect me and that he might become very controlling and such.
The basic jist of it felt (to me) like he was interested in pursuing something but would need to take things very slow, because that is how he is. OK, I can deal with that and didn't want to jump into anything too quickly either.
So fast forward a bit. I have a semi regular play partner named A who I tie up at most of the parties we go to. There's nothing sexual and it's all just fun and friendship. She was involved with some other dude on the sly, so no worries on my end, we are just having a good time. Trying to help Z feel more comfortable around people at parties and such, and knowing his delight in long hair, after I untied A last week, I had her go to Z to get her hair brushed. They both seemed to enjoy themselves and ended up snuggling a bit on the couch. Aw so sweet. Later on, I told her she should stick his dick in her mouth, but she just giggled and he looked uncomfortable so we all let it drop.
The next night we went with a group to a pub for drinks and karaoke and ended up coming back to my place to hang out because the bar was lame with another fellow in tow. On the way home, Z asked if I would have a problem with him taking A back to my guest bedroom and messing with her if she was amenable. I was pretty surprised given his reticence about anything with me, or anyone else, but figured if he was going to make a play, I should support it as a friend.
Almost immediately he pulled her back to the room for some awkward sexual play and had to ask me for a condom at some point. I felt OK for the most part about it. A little irritated with being left to entertain this other fellow who I hardly knew, but not too bad.
Tuesday night, they ended up at a movie night together where she gave him head. Wednesday we all went to a munch, and I got to listen to her making innuendo the whole time about what they had been up to. It must have gotten to me because Z called me out for being a bit snippy with him and I didn't realize it. Friday, Z and I went to a pool party, then ended up at another karaoke night where A happened to be. By this point I was started to really get anxious about my friendship and where it was going. Z had also taken A out for lunch one of those days to kind of discuss what was going on with them.
A huge part of me knows this is about being jealous of it. And yes I am. I'm also freaked out because I wonder how many friends I'm going to lose if they go tits up, and wonder about having my wingman, bff, companion or if I'm always going to have to share him wherever I go. She even tried to invite herself over for our Monday night dinner plans. Admittedly, the idea is particularly sour because I have no doubt that they would end up in my guest room again with me sitting in the living room seething.
Saturday, we all went to a party (seperately) and when I arrived they were snuggled up together on a couch. The sight of them made me nauseous, maybe because I recognize it's not a one time thing and that maybe they will start dating, which made my whole anxiety ramp up again. Instead of staying and hanging out with me when I sat down, they moved inside fairly quickly and I didn't see them again for another hour. When I did, he was sitting with his shirt off and she was curled up at his feet fawning over him. More hurlworthiness for me. About that point I wanted to just leave, but I faked my way through being normal and went to sit and hang out with them.
I went off to the restroom, or to grab a drink, and they disappeared when I got back. I had no idea where they went, until A sheepishly returned to the couch and refused to tell me where she had been. Z came back shortly after and muttered something about having been caught behind closed doors at an open door party and was scolded for it. Apparently they were cloistered off in a room fucking around.
I had a really hard time holding it together, so I spent some time wandering around, socializing with some friends and just trying to get my mind off it and was mostly fine the rest of the evening until I got in the car with my friend and unloaded on her a bit.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do. Clearly I got some signals crossed and he's not actually interested in anything more than friendship. If he was, he would have made some more definitive indication over the past 8 months of our friendship. We've never held hands or snuggled or anything beyond a hug. I get that this is my fault for getting excited/interested in someone who didn't reciprocate. But now, here I am, feeling all butt hurt over the whole situation and unable to tell my closest friend about it.
Other friends are pissed about it, because they are aware of that conversation he and I had. I feel led on to a certain extent. Why make me think that there was any interest in me in that way? During our discussion, he has said that he felt the urge to exert control over me and had already begun doing so. There is a lot of hints of D/s without an actual overt structure and our friendship feels very servicey in a lot of ways.
But, now I feel like I've fostered some sort of dependence on him that I can't let continue. At times I feel like I just need to get some distance between us, but the thought of that is very distressing to me. So I have bouts of tears and anxiety wondering what my life would feel like not having him as my friend and wonder if I can just get my shit together without a break or disruption. He's usually very observant, so I don't even know if he's just unaware, or is ignoring some of my symptoms - like abruptly getting up and cleaning or some other physical task when he starts talking about A. I can't even bear to ask him questions about where he thinks it's going or anything because I think I would start crying. Blah.
