Three words

Acceptance, Surrender, Obedience That's been my mantra the last few days as I learn to adjust to r/l, 24/7 slavery again. Acceptance: Receive with gratitude and peace. Surrender: Release my ego and need to retain composure. Sink in. Stop struggling. Breathe. I am not losing who I am. I am stripping away the façade that covers who I am. Obedience: Follow the path that is laid out for me.

Complicated

I just really needed a place to put this and maybe get some feedback that is outside my usual circles. I have friends that I can and will discuss it with, but right now my closest friend is the one I'm in turmoil about.

To catch everyone up, about 2 weeks ago or so, D and I had a conversation about our relationship and basically decided to call it what it is, a very nice friendship that we don't want to spoil. As far as break ups go, it's been pretty ok, though I'm still pretty sad at times.

Anyways, for the past several months, I've been forming a very close friendship with a fellow named Z, and this has all been on the up and up as far as D goes. He was in the loop and we discussed my interest in potentially pursuing Z in a more sexual way and had his blessing. Moot now, but just to give some back ground.

Z has some significant disability issues, but nothing that would prevent me from being interested, though I really wasn't attracted to him until recently, like probably within the last two months. We had gone to a bdsm party and had some very light electrical play with another girl, I also tied her up a bit and just basically were hanging out. I noticed at one point that he had an erection (a significant event which I might go into further later on). For some reason, after all was said and done, I couldn't get the thought of it out of my brain, and was intensely aroused by it. Maybe because he was comfortable enough in our surrounding to get aroused/play a bit, or maybe I suddenly just saw him as a sexual creature for the first time. At any rate, it was like I got smacked up the head with it.

Our conversations have always been very sexual in nature, but in an analytical sharing sort of way. Z had a bad break up last year and we've been processing a lot of it together, mostly just having someone to talk to about it and bounce thoughts off of has helped I think. It's become a very intimate friendship in terms of what we talk about, share, etc and we've become each other's wingmen, confidantes, cooking partners and overall best friends.

Anyways, back to the story. Trying to preserve honesty of our friendship, I told him that I was having trouble sleeping because I kept thinking of his hard dick and couldn't get it out of my head. I expected no reciprocation but maybe just some amusement over it. He wanted to discuss it further, and we had a rather awkward, uncomfortable and confusing conversation over wine a few days later. He expressed an interest, sort of, but was worried about D (who I was still with) and our friendship and that any sort of play may have to include sex and that he was also worried that he might not respect me and that he might become very controlling and such.

The basic jist of it felt (to me) like he was interested in pursuing something but would need to take things very slow, because that is how he is. OK, I can deal with that and didn't want to jump into anything too quickly either.

So fast forward a bit. I have a semi regular play partner named A who I tie up at most of the parties we go to. There's nothing sexual and it's all just fun and friendship. She was involved with some other dude on the sly, so no worries on my end, we are just having a good time. Trying to help Z feel more comfortable around people at parties and such, and knowing his delight in long hair, after I untied A last week, I had her go to Z to get her hair brushed. They both seemed to enjoy themselves and ended up snuggling a bit on the couch. Aw so sweet. Later on, I told her she should stick his dick in her mouth, but she just giggled and he looked uncomfortable so we all let it drop.

The next night we went with a group to a pub for drinks and karaoke and ended up coming back to my place to hang out because the bar was lame with another fellow in tow. On the way home, Z asked if I would have a problem with him taking A back to my guest bedroom and messing with her if she was amenable. I was pretty surprised given his reticence about anything with me, or anyone else, but figured if he was going to make a play, I should support it as a friend.

Almost immediately he pulled her back to the room for some awkward sexual play and had to ask me for a condom at some point. I felt OK for the most part about it. A little irritated with being left to entertain this other fellow who I hardly knew, but not too bad.

Tuesday night, they ended up at a movie night together where she gave him head. Wednesday we all went to a munch, and I got to listen to her making innuendo the whole time about what they had been up to. It must have gotten to me because Z called me out for being a bit snippy with him and I didn't realize it. Friday, Z and I went to a pool party, then ended up at another karaoke night where A happened to be. By this point I was started to really get anxious about my friendship and where it was going. Z had also taken A out for lunch one of those days to kind of discuss what was going on with them.

A huge part of me knows this is about being jealous of it. And yes I am. I'm also freaked out because I wonder how many friends I'm going to lose if they go tits up, and wonder about having my wingman, bff, companion or if I'm always going to have to share him wherever I go. She even tried to invite herself over for our Monday night dinner plans. Admittedly, the idea is particularly sour because I have no doubt that they would end up in my guest room again with me sitting in the living room seething.

Saturday, we all went to a party (seperately) and when I arrived they were snuggled up together on a couch. The sight of them made me nauseous, maybe because I recognize it's not a one time thing and that maybe they will start dating, which made my whole anxiety ramp up again. Instead of staying and hanging out with me when I sat down, they moved inside fairly quickly and I didn't see them again for another hour. When I did, he was sitting with his shirt off and she was curled up at his feet fawning over him. More hurlworthiness for me. About that point I wanted to just leave, but I faked my way through being normal and went to sit and hang out with them.

I went off to the restroom, or to grab a drink, and they disappeared when I got back. I had no idea where they went, until A sheepishly returned to the couch and refused to tell me where she had been. Z came back shortly after and muttered something about having been caught behind closed doors at an open door party and was scolded for it. Apparently they were cloistered off in a room fucking around.

I had a really hard time holding it together, so I spent some time wandering around, socializing with some friends and just trying to get my mind off it and was mostly fine the rest of the evening until I got in the car with my friend and unloaded on her a bit.

At this point, I'm not sure what to do. Clearly I got some signals crossed and he's not actually interested in anything more than friendship. If he was, he would have made some more definitive indication over the past 8 months of our friendship. We've never held hands or snuggled or anything beyond a hug. I get that this is my fault for getting excited/interested in someone who didn't reciprocate. But now, here I am, feeling all butt hurt over the whole situation and unable to tell my closest friend about it.

Other friends are pissed about it, because they are aware of that conversation he and I had. I feel led on to a certain extent. Why make me think that there was any interest in me in that way? During our discussion, he has said that he felt the urge to exert control over me and had already begun doing so. There is a lot of hints of D/s without an actual overt structure and our friendship feels very servicey in a lot of ways.

But, now I feel like I've fostered some sort of dependence on him that I can't let continue. At times I feel like I just need to get some distance between us, but the thought of that is very distressing to me. So I have bouts of tears and anxiety wondering what my life would feel like not having him as my friend and wonder if I can just get my shit together without a break or disruption. He's usually very observant, so I don't even know if he's just unaware, or is ignoring some of my symptoms - like abruptly getting up and cleaning or some other physical task when he starts talking about A. I can't even bear to ask him questions about where he thinks it's going or anything because I think I would start crying. Blah.

The Daily Grind

Life is trudging along fairly well at the moment. I am mostly unpacked and settled into my new abode Houston-ish. I'm coming up on a year living in Texas and have had so many wonderful experiences. It's nice to be out of L's house. I appreciate him so much for the space, but damn, I needed my own. I mean really, more than anything, including the work space, I really needed to have a place I can fuck in peace. Seriously.

I've recently signed up to be a test bondage dummy at a presentation in a week or so. That's not something I would have even considered a few years ago, but I think it's time to do some more things that make me uncomfortable. I tend to get too cozy in my little cocoon world and don't push myself into learning opportunities as much as I should. I'm actually excited about it, though I'll likely be getting more and more nervous as the date approaches.

Business is finally settling into a rhythm again. Surprisingly, my usually dead (not slow, dead) months of November and December weren't horrid and January is off on a good foot. Good news for the economy perhaps? I'm doing some experiments and testing in some new areas that I'm hoping will pan out for me. More fetish wear is on the agenda, as is some ventures into steam punk, victorian and some street wear. Should be good times!

I'm also making some good contacts in that arena and some folks who might be good to collaborate with.

Must get work done.

Wowie!

So it's been a while! I'm not going to beat myself up for it. First, it's D's job to beat me up, and second, I've been insanely busy the past few months.

A bit of a summary to catch you up:

Still with D, still long distance, still lovin' it despite the distance.

I moved to Texas! Zomg! So the move came together splendidly despite the huge amounts of logistics involved. I had to pack up my apartment of 10 years and my business, arrange for a truck and a driver, coordinate a work crew, figure out a schedule and save up money. And I did it! It was a huge undertaking that would never have been accomplished without the help of my friends. I had about 20 people show up on moving day all told and they have my undying gratitude. I am truly blessed with people who care. *tear* I miss em!

I moved in with L - my ex (we split in late 2003) and his lovely girlfriend N. I've been here since late February and things are going well with the exception of a few hiccups. That's to be expected though. I'm looking forward to getting my $$ saved up and finding my own place. I'm sure they are too!

Living with L means I'm also living with one of my stepsons again! It's weird, but I'm just thrilled about that part. T is a great kid and just turned 18 in February. He just enlisted in the Navy a couple weeks ago and is in a Delayed Entry Program. He won't be going to boot camp until late October so he's been working on various tasks to increase his rating. Strangely enough, he can enter boot camp as an E3 if he plays his cards right. I'm super proud of him because this was a decision he made on his own volition. He came up with the idea and followed through, doing research to find the job he wanted, talking to the recruiters and L (who was in the Navy years ago) and just being totally smart about it. I know he's going to do fabulously!

Shortly after I arrived, long story short, we became the caretakers of 3 two-week-old kittens. A few weeks of bottle feeding and momma care later, they are now rambunctious, potty trained and solid food eatin' cuddle monkeys. I calculate their birthdate around April 1 so you do the math. Our original intent was to adopt them out. Uh yeah.. not gonna happen. lol

So now we have 10 cats. ah ah ah! (that's the count from Sesame Street for those of you who didn't get it). Holy Christ. It's a good thing this house is large otherwise it'd split at the seams and furballs would pour out. I can't be blamed for the sheer numbers this time though. I brought 3 - Morris, Simple and Melody (yes, I still have her) and L & N had 4 - Leo, Domino, Figaro and Sparkle Boo. I voted against taking the kittens, mostly because I knew that I wouldn't trust anyone else to raise "my babies", but now we have them. As predicted, I'm in love. :)

I have a shit load of work to get done so I'm gonna cut it off there. I am going to try to journal every now and again. I actually enjoy it. :)

A long long time ago

... I actually wrote a journal or blog regularly. As so many things fall away and new things take their place, I suppose this is one of them. I miss it sometimes but I try not to feel all guilty-fail over it. I'll just do my best to update it when I can.

Lots of things have been going on. X and I are closer than ever, really tight with a great friendship bond. We've been doing the munch and bdsm social circuit and meeting all sorts of new people and making lots of friends. It's been lovely. :)

D was kind enough to allow me to make a playdate with X last night. It was really fantastic. I was very nervous because its been a very long time since I've had an impact play session, and never with someone with the wide variety of implements that X has. And also never with someone I wasn't in a sexual relationship with, so there were lots of firsts.

I had no idea how I would react. I didn't know if I'd start screaming, trying to dodge blows, squirming, crying, become stoic, shut down, etc. So there were nerves about that. But when it came down to it, it was terrific. It felt good, even when it hurt. I got to feel the sensations of lots of things I was scared of, like canes and a horsetail flogger, a knotted & braided cat and a dragon's tail. That's why it's a good idea to try things you are afraid of, you get to either confirm the fear or lay it to rest. Besides, the nerves are half the fun (easy to say in hindsight).

On the kitty front, Melody is doing very well. She's still got a stuffy nose, but she's put on weight and her coat feels much fuller and softer. She's still a scaredy cat, though, and I'm not sure why. I suspect she may have some hearing and vision problems as she never seems to recognize me and often sleeps through me entering the room.

It looks like I will be moving to Texas soon. I think I've mentioned my ex L before. We are very close friends and business associates, and he's convinced me that I need to move closer for the benefit of my business and finances. I'm pretty sad about leaving X behind and of course all my other many wonderful friends here, but I feel like it's time. L's girlfriend, N, is also very enthusiastic about me moving close, and I feel pretty good about it too. It's rough because I've built such a wonderful support system here, but the change and opportunities are exciting. So boxing up and purging is on the agenda for the next while. I figure if I can get a good majority taken care of, that I can live with very few items out.

It's hard to say when it will actually happen. Anywhere between a month and 6 months is the guess, but it depends on when we can find a suitable house and L can get up here, help me pack up a truck and then drive the kitties and I down. I'll be moving to the greater Houston area.

I'm pretty worried about making the move with Melody. I'm really hoping I can find someone to take her before that happens. She's made some great strides, but with my bully, Simple, around, we've taken a lot of setbacks too. I worry that the trip will be too long (18 hours in the car) and stressful and she'll end up really sick.

Ah well. I'll deal with that when I get to it.

I'll be spending the weekend off at munch and playparty so that should be fun. I may even get the balls up to play in public. We'll see.

D and I are still doing great. It's in that comfort zone level where I'm rarely fretful about where things are going or how he feels about me. It feels good to feel secure and happy and supported in my explorations and fun. I know I can rely on him to be there for me with great advice and a caring heart, and that's really important to me. We've both been super busy but still manage to make time for each other. I'm very lucky. :)

Kitty update!

It turns out baby kitty is not a baby after all, she's an 8-10 year old female kitty who appears to not have a spay scar nor any signs of having been pregnant ever. Her spay scar may just be really old. We'll see if she goes into heat or not. And.. she has a name, Melody. I may end up changing it as her personality comes out, but for now, that is her name because she likes to sing (purr) to me.

Melody is doing pretty well. I did take her in to the local rescue for a check up and to sign her up for their foster program, but she was rejected. :( She's too old and sickly for them to put an effort into. I understand, there are healthier, younger pets who have a better chance of being homed.

Anyways, she's living with me for now, and perhaps forever depending on how my boys take to her. Morris is no problem, but Simple is a bully, so we'll see how it works out. I took her to another vet who was able to check her out and prescribe some meds to get her upper respiratory infection cleared up along with dewormer and earmites. The folks at the shelter "accidentally" gave her flea meds, so now that problem is also taken care of.

I'm working on getting her symptom free so I can start introductions with the boys. But.. if someone is looking for a pet cat, perhaps for themselves or an elderly relative as a companion/lap cat, I am looking for a home for her still. She's a sweet girl with a black face, a little white spot on her chest, an auburn tail and brown legs. She's not patchy like a calico. Her fur blends seamlessly from one color to the next.

Tell it to your Mama

I'm so over toxic people who bring drama into my life. Goodbye and stay away.

No, I'm not leaving Fetlife nor am I particularly angry or flouncing or anything. I just had to come to the realization for myself that there are some folks that I can't be friends with. They are bad for me and I end up not liking who I am around them.

I also realize that I am doing something to attract this sort of person into my life. I am, despite some appearances, rather a compassionate person, sometimes to my own detriment. Usually, it is absolutely the right thing to help someone out, especially a friend, if they need you. But I need to be better at spotting who I *shouldn't* help.

My safety, stability and happiness does have to take priority over that of a stranger. It's an old lesson from my teen years that I seem to have forgotten lately. But, I don't like that "me" either. Being crusty and having up walls up all the time to keep other people out is not the right thing for me either.

So where is the middle ground where I'm better at vetting those who need, deserve and appreciate the help rather than those who will take and take and take and then drag my name through the mud when I say enough is enough?

I don't want to be the closed off creature from yesteryear, but I also don't want to be a moron and get myself taken advantage by the lusers (loser + user) of this world. I know my friends usually have a better eye than I do. I probably should rely on them more when it comes to this. D warned me that I could be bringing drama into my house this last time around, but supported me trying to help someone out. I suppose the risk of drama doesn't seem that bothersome until I'm embroiled in it.

It seems my extremist personality is rearing it's head again. I joke that it's my Libra self trying to balance things out through being one way or another, but rarely moderate. So I guess in this situation I find myself either very compassionate or very cynical. Perhaps that is the blend that attracts drama queens to it.