Another fetlife post, but one I wanted to keep since it comes up so often.
I always find the sub/slave discussions rather puzzling myself but there are always the same sorts of viewpoints brought up.
Some people appear to believe that submissives have a certain type of personality in day to day life as well as in their relationship and if you don't have those qualities, you are not a submissive and in fact may be dominant.
L summed up some of these traits when she said, "I am not passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble in any type of way."
I dispute the validity of thinking that those traits are required to be a submissive. In fact, I think only one trait is important, that you submit. Whether forced, coerced, manipulated, or a willing and eager participant, that's all that's really required.
There is no rule about who you submit to, how it happens, where it occurs, why it happens, when, for how long, etc.
For me, and others, I think this is where the confusion comes in because we do see slaves submitting to the rule of their owner, regardless of whether they are happy about it or being forced to do it, they do, in fact, do it.
But, you know, everyone is allowed to self identify, so I just smile and nod if someone claims to be a slave but not "submissive" because they obviously see being submissive as some personality style that they don't identify with.
In fact, if I agreed that being passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble was integral to being "submissive", I would certainly not claim it either, though I can certainly be that way at times, it's generally centered around the person who owns me (or who I have chosen to submit to) and they happen to bring out those traits in me.
In addition, some believe that a dominant personality type consists of bitchiness, rudeness, being blunt, coarse, bossy, pushy, smart-assed, arrogant, stubborn, etc. I disagree again. For me, a dominant personality has to do with personal charisma and charm. The ability to draw attention by presence and not gimmicks or posturing.
I am dominant at my job because I happen to be the owner of the business. I must be in a position of authority, set the tone, rules, structure of the workplace and see to the needs of my employees, with the goal being to wring every last bit of effort and effectiveness out of them while allowing them to function and hopefully be content and satisfied with their work. Wanting them to be happy isn't a sign of my benevolence, it's simply the most efficient way to keep them from stealing, backstabbing, sabotaging, passive aggressive behaviors and quitting.
Dominants have a wide variety of personalities, just as submissives do. Some choose to go with the "asshole dom" persona, others choose more tact and politeness. Is one not really a dom? I don't know. I know that some appeal to me more than others, but those same people I don't care for are just right for someone else.
As for slaves having to be submissive. Well I don't think they are required to have a stereotypical submissive personality as described above, but they are certainly required to submit to their owner. If he is the leader, then they must be the follower I suppose.
I'm not sure how one knows if they are suited for slavery or not. For me it was simply instinctual. I was drawn more and more to absolute authority dynamics. But, the fact is, that compatibility is key. How L sees her slavery is different from how I would see it, or how you might see yours.
I don't consider it to be "All about the owner" and neither does my owner. We look at it as a way we can both be fulfilled and happiness for all involved is what we strive for.
That doesn't mean one of us is right and one is wrong, just that we all find fulfillment in our different ways and finding the person (or people) who are right for us is what makes it work.
It can be quite difficult to move forward after losing an owner. I had a rough transition period after my split with my first owner, but he actually helped me quite a lot in adjusting fortunately. Many are not so lucky because their owner dies suddenly. When you foster the sort of dependence that these relationships do, I think you do need to take into account the risk that entails.
Showing posts with label Fetlife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fetlife. Show all posts
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Rudeness & Disobedience
More fetlife stuff.
Question was: How do I (as a submissive) stop being rude, argumentative and disobedient?
I think it's mostly a matter of practice, time and conscious effort.
Pause before you react or speak and process what he's saying and then respond in as thoughtful a manner as you can manage. Remember that he has feelings too and is also new. He's going to have to practice his dominance and the better the response he gets from you, the more likely he will to do it more.
It's a symbiotic thing.If you make his life miserable when he asks you for something simple, you will train him to ask for nothing. That might be a good reason to work on this behavior right there.
As Lucky Albatross has also advised before, think up 5 things that really pushes your buttons. Things that are simple, require little to no set up, and makes you feel all that submissive yummyness. Write it down and give it to him. It could be things he says, things he does, a particular gesture, whatever. Basically, a cheat sheet.
Many submissives want their dominants to "just do it" but they honestly cannot read your mind. There is nothing wrong with making requests. He can then choose what he will do with it and it might humble you a bit to feel the emotions surrounding that.Many D/s relationships have no punishment component whatsoever. You should talk to your dominant about what, if any, he would like to incorporate.
While it can feel yummy to have rules, the more rules there are, the more he will have to enforce them or you will just break them, so it's probably best to keep them to a minimum.
My Daddy's philosophy is that spanking is for good girls & fun. There is no reward of attention for crappy behavior on my part, so I definitely try to keep it to a minimum.
Communication & transparency are super important, but it can be difficult if you have trust issues (is he going to use it against me, is he going to laugh at me, will he accept me, etc) to open up. It puts you in a vulnerable position. That can be a valuable place to be in and it certainly can feel very submissive. So perhaps explore some of that. Tell him some of your worries or fears, some fantasies you are excited/scared by, and lots of positive feedback for him (it was so hot when you did or I love it when you do ).
Just some thoughts. I hope they are of assistance.
Question was: How do I (as a submissive) stop being rude, argumentative and disobedient?
I think it's mostly a matter of practice, time and conscious effort.
Pause before you react or speak and process what he's saying and then respond in as thoughtful a manner as you can manage. Remember that he has feelings too and is also new. He's going to have to practice his dominance and the better the response he gets from you, the more likely he will to do it more.
It's a symbiotic thing.If you make his life miserable when he asks you for something simple, you will train him to ask for nothing. That might be a good reason to work on this behavior right there.
As Lucky Albatross has also advised before, think up 5 things that really pushes your buttons. Things that are simple, require little to no set up, and makes you feel all that submissive yummyness. Write it down and give it to him. It could be things he says, things he does, a particular gesture, whatever. Basically, a cheat sheet.
Many submissives want their dominants to "just do it" but they honestly cannot read your mind. There is nothing wrong with making requests. He can then choose what he will do with it and it might humble you a bit to feel the emotions surrounding that.Many D/s relationships have no punishment component whatsoever. You should talk to your dominant about what, if any, he would like to incorporate.
While it can feel yummy to have rules, the more rules there are, the more he will have to enforce them or you will just break them, so it's probably best to keep them to a minimum.
My Daddy's philosophy is that spanking is for good girls & fun. There is no reward of attention for crappy behavior on my part, so I definitely try to keep it to a minimum.
Communication & transparency are super important, but it can be difficult if you have trust issues (is he going to use it against me, is he going to laugh at me, will he accept me, etc) to open up. It puts you in a vulnerable position. That can be a valuable place to be in and it certainly can feel very submissive. So perhaps explore some of that. Tell him some of your worries or fears, some fantasies you are excited/scared by, and lots of positive feedback for him (it was so hot when you did or I love it when you do ).
Just some thoughts. I hope they are of assistance.
One day on Fetlife
Sometimes it's better just to blog.
A reply I just didn't feel like posting to Arizonan's comments.
In this "lifestyle" we are all playing fast and loose with words anyways. Summing people up in one word that you can label them with would be convenient, but is pretty ineffective.
We take words and make them sorta kinda fit whatever it is that we like or dislike, or what our lives/dynamics are like. But the real "getting to know people" comes when you talk and find out what makes them tick.
No one here is legally property, but we can certainly identify as that in our dynamic. I think people started migrating towards the term because slave was such a loaded one. It carries a lot of perceptions and misconceptions and expectations and baggage that are irritating to those who do things their own way.
For another example, your girl and I could both consider ourselves wives and yet live very very different lives.
Does the difference in how we are wives mean that one of us isn't really a wife at all? Does it mean that "wife" doesn't mean anything at all? Newp.
I could say "I am so & so's wife." Does that really tell you anything about me whatsoever? I might not even be legally wed. I could be in a "common law" marriage. We could be polygamous. After a bit of conversation, you might be able to figure out what it all means to me, but not just from one word. It might take some time and effort. You might find that your expectations and perceptions about marriage are totally non-applicable. You might find that those expectations, baggage, perceptions and misconceptions need to be discarded in future conversations with people because they apply less and less to the people you meet.
I think it's much better to dismiss those types of things, than people and how they identify and how they live. So cling to your words if you must. I will adapt to my environment and the people who inhabit it.
English is a fabulous language but it is not a simple one. It's constantly evolving and changing. Dialects and colloquialisms & slang abounds. Do you drink soda, pop, fizzy drink or coke? Do you sit on the sofa, chesterfield, loveseat, couch, setee or divan? Check out the urban dictionary sometime and see what words/phrases are developing/getting new meanings every day.
The language we speak now would be almost unrecognizable for Shakespeare or Chaucer. Shakespeare himself was constantly making up new words or defining them differently.
A reply I just didn't feel like posting to Arizonan's comments.
In this "lifestyle" we are all playing fast and loose with words anyways. Summing people up in one word that you can label them with would be convenient, but is pretty ineffective.
We take words and make them sorta kinda fit whatever it is that we like or dislike, or what our lives/dynamics are like. But the real "getting to know people" comes when you talk and find out what makes them tick.
No one here is legally property, but we can certainly identify as that in our dynamic. I think people started migrating towards the term because slave was such a loaded one. It carries a lot of perceptions and misconceptions and expectations and baggage that are irritating to those who do things their own way.
For another example, your girl and I could both consider ourselves wives and yet live very very different lives.
Does the difference in how we are wives mean that one of us isn't really a wife at all? Does it mean that "wife" doesn't mean anything at all? Newp.
I could say "I am so & so's wife." Does that really tell you anything about me whatsoever? I might not even be legally wed. I could be in a "common law" marriage. We could be polygamous. After a bit of conversation, you might be able to figure out what it all means to me, but not just from one word. It might take some time and effort. You might find that your expectations and perceptions about marriage are totally non-applicable. You might find that those expectations, baggage, perceptions and misconceptions need to be discarded in future conversations with people because they apply less and less to the people you meet.
I think it's much better to dismiss those types of things, than people and how they identify and how they live. So cling to your words if you must. I will adapt to my environment and the people who inhabit it.
English is a fabulous language but it is not a simple one. It's constantly evolving and changing. Dialects and colloquialisms & slang abounds. Do you drink soda, pop, fizzy drink or coke? Do you sit on the sofa, chesterfield, loveseat, couch, setee or divan? Check out the urban dictionary sometime and see what words/phrases are developing/getting new meanings every day.
The language we speak now would be almost unrecognizable for Shakespeare or Chaucer. Shakespeare himself was constantly making up new words or defining them differently.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Micromanagement
After getting very frustrated and annoyed at this post over on Fetlife, I decided a better place to vent my spleen was on my blog instead of on that particular thread.
Look, those of us who are into micromanagement, both Owners & Property, are into it because we find it satisfying on some level. The repetition of "I'm a big girl" "I can shit by myself" "I know what needs to be done" is insulting because it infers that those of us who like to be managed or controlled more tightly are incapable of wiping our own asses or sit about naked and in a pile of excrement picking our noses when not told what to do.
We're all adults and as fully capable of functioning and such as any other adult person. I'm not mentally stunted or a drooling idiot. What I am, is an adult with a fetish for control, and happily, so is Daddy.
If you're not into it, fine and dandy. Any kink or fetish can certainly be denigrated. The idea that this one in particular draws mental midgets or insecure assholes is particularly annoying.
I happen to LIKE that my guy is absolutely interested and involved in every part of my life. I don't NEED him to be, but it feels awfully cozy and lovely to know that he is. There's tons of dudes who couldn't give two shits what I did today, or that I made my first pie, or that I had a breakthrough on something or other at work that was frustrating me. I've lived that life and you know what? It's unsatisfying to me.
I'm as curious and interested as he is, and that's a new one for me. To have it reciprocated. He knows my life so intimately and is able to give great advice and useful instruction to keep me on task. We are both VERY busy, and I have a tendency to procrastinate, get distracted and even be a little lazy when I get overwhelmed. Sometimes there's so much to do that I just need to go take a nap.
He helps me sort, prioritize and get my head in the game so I can be productive and useful without spending extra time that I really can't afford. He makes sure I'm not up at all hours and get good restful sleep. I'm not great at that either. I've done the whole 3am bedtime thing and it makes me a zombie the next day.
We aren't perfect and don't expect to be anytime soon. We just try to to better each day. Some of the control measures have fallen by the wayside a bit, but he'll give me a nice leash yank when I need it and put them back into place for a time. The thing about micromanagement is that it can be time consuming for both of us, and the busier our work/personal lives are, the more we have to compromise on that. If it's useful then it remains. If it's not, then we move on to something different.
If it was static or just there "cuz" instead of having a purpose, I could see it building resentment at some point. Most things were put in place to keep me flowing through my day in a focused and productive manner, so that I could have more down time to actually relax.
When I stopped doing some of them, I wasn't told I failed, it was just assumed that some things had outlived their usefulness.
Ok, irritation is purged. :)
Look, those of us who are into micromanagement, both Owners & Property, are into it because we find it satisfying on some level. The repetition of "I'm a big girl" "I can shit by myself" "I know what needs to be done" is insulting because it infers that those of us who like to be managed or controlled more tightly are incapable of wiping our own asses or sit about naked and in a pile of excrement picking our noses when not told what to do.
We're all adults and as fully capable of functioning and such as any other adult person. I'm not mentally stunted or a drooling idiot. What I am, is an adult with a fetish for control, and happily, so is Daddy.
If you're not into it, fine and dandy. Any kink or fetish can certainly be denigrated. The idea that this one in particular draws mental midgets or insecure assholes is particularly annoying.
I happen to LIKE that my guy is absolutely interested and involved in every part of my life. I don't NEED him to be, but it feels awfully cozy and lovely to know that he is. There's tons of dudes who couldn't give two shits what I did today, or that I made my first pie, or that I had a breakthrough on something or other at work that was frustrating me. I've lived that life and you know what? It's unsatisfying to me.
I'm as curious and interested as he is, and that's a new one for me. To have it reciprocated. He knows my life so intimately and is able to give great advice and useful instruction to keep me on task. We are both VERY busy, and I have a tendency to procrastinate, get distracted and even be a little lazy when I get overwhelmed. Sometimes there's so much to do that I just need to go take a nap.
He helps me sort, prioritize and get my head in the game so I can be productive and useful without spending extra time that I really can't afford. He makes sure I'm not up at all hours and get good restful sleep. I'm not great at that either. I've done the whole 3am bedtime thing and it makes me a zombie the next day.
We aren't perfect and don't expect to be anytime soon. We just try to to better each day. Some of the control measures have fallen by the wayside a bit, but he'll give me a nice leash yank when I need it and put them back into place for a time. The thing about micromanagement is that it can be time consuming for both of us, and the busier our work/personal lives are, the more we have to compromise on that. If it's useful then it remains. If it's not, then we move on to something different.
If it was static or just there "cuz" instead of having a purpose, I could see it building resentment at some point. Most things were put in place to keep me flowing through my day in a focused and productive manner, so that I could have more down time to actually relax.
When I stopped doing some of them, I wasn't told I failed, it was just assumed that some things had outlived their usefulness.
Ok, irritation is purged. :)
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