So it's been a while! I'm not going to beat myself up for it. First, it's D's job to beat me up, and second, I've been insanely busy the past few months.
A bit of a summary to catch you up:
Still with D, still long distance, still lovin' it despite the distance.
I moved to Texas! Zomg! So the move came together splendidly despite the huge amounts of logistics involved. I had to pack up my apartment of 10 years and my business, arrange for a truck and a driver, coordinate a work crew, figure out a schedule and save up money. And I did it! It was a huge undertaking that would never have been accomplished without the help of my friends. I had about 20 people show up on moving day all told and they have my undying gratitude. I am truly blessed with people who care. *tear* I miss em!
I moved in with L - my ex (we split in late 2003) and his lovely girlfriend N. I've been here since late February and things are going well with the exception of a few hiccups. That's to be expected though. I'm looking forward to getting my $$ saved up and finding my own place. I'm sure they are too!
Living with L means I'm also living with one of my stepsons again! It's weird, but I'm just thrilled about that part. T is a great kid and just turned 18 in February. He just enlisted in the Navy a couple weeks ago and is in a Delayed Entry Program. He won't be going to boot camp until late October so he's been working on various tasks to increase his rating. Strangely enough, he can enter boot camp as an E3 if he plays his cards right. I'm super proud of him because this was a decision he made on his own volition. He came up with the idea and followed through, doing research to find the job he wanted, talking to the recruiters and L (who was in the Navy years ago) and just being totally smart about it. I know he's going to do fabulously!
Shortly after I arrived, long story short, we became the caretakers of 3 two-week-old kittens. A few weeks of bottle feeding and momma care later, they are now rambunctious, potty trained and solid food eatin' cuddle monkeys. I calculate their birthdate around April 1 so you do the math. Our original intent was to adopt them out. Uh yeah.. not gonna happen. lol
So now we have 10 cats. ah ah ah! (that's the count from Sesame Street for those of you who didn't get it). Holy Christ. It's a good thing this house is large otherwise it'd split at the seams and furballs would pour out. I can't be blamed for the sheer numbers this time though. I brought 3 - Morris, Simple and Melody (yes, I still have her) and L & N had 4 - Leo, Domino, Figaro and Sparkle Boo. I voted against taking the kittens, mostly because I knew that I wouldn't trust anyone else to raise "my babies", but now we have them. As predicted, I'm in love. :)
I have a shit load of work to get done so I'm gonna cut it off there. I am going to try to journal every now and again. I actually enjoy it. :)
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
A long long time ago
... I actually wrote a journal or blog regularly. As so many things fall away and new things take their place, I suppose this is one of them. I miss it sometimes but I try not to feel all guilty-fail over it. I'll just do my best to update it when I can.
Lots of things have been going on. X and I are closer than ever, really tight with a great friendship bond. We've been doing the munch and bdsm social circuit and meeting all sorts of new people and making lots of friends. It's been lovely. :)
D was kind enough to allow me to make a playdate with X last night. It was really fantastic. I was very nervous because its been a very long time since I've had an impact play session, and never with someone with the wide variety of implements that X has. And also never with someone I wasn't in a sexual relationship with, so there were lots of firsts.
I had no idea how I would react. I didn't know if I'd start screaming, trying to dodge blows, squirming, crying, become stoic, shut down, etc. So there were nerves about that. But when it came down to it, it was terrific. It felt good, even when it hurt. I got to feel the sensations of lots of things I was scared of, like canes and a horsetail flogger, a knotted & braided cat and a dragon's tail. That's why it's a good idea to try things you are afraid of, you get to either confirm the fear or lay it to rest. Besides, the nerves are half the fun (easy to say in hindsight).
On the kitty front, Melody is doing very well. She's still got a stuffy nose, but she's put on weight and her coat feels much fuller and softer. She's still a scaredy cat, though, and I'm not sure why. I suspect she may have some hearing and vision problems as she never seems to recognize me and often sleeps through me entering the room.
It looks like I will be moving to Texas soon. I think I've mentioned my ex L before. We are very close friends and business associates, and he's convinced me that I need to move closer for the benefit of my business and finances. I'm pretty sad about leaving X behind and of course all my other many wonderful friends here, but I feel like it's time. L's girlfriend, N, is also very enthusiastic about me moving close, and I feel pretty good about it too. It's rough because I've built such a wonderful support system here, but the change and opportunities are exciting. So boxing up and purging is on the agenda for the next while. I figure if I can get a good majority taken care of, that I can live with very few items out.
It's hard to say when it will actually happen. Anywhere between a month and 6 months is the guess, but it depends on when we can find a suitable house and L can get up here, help me pack up a truck and then drive the kitties and I down. I'll be moving to the greater Houston area.
I'm pretty worried about making the move with Melody. I'm really hoping I can find someone to take her before that happens. She's made some great strides, but with my bully, Simple, around, we've taken a lot of setbacks too. I worry that the trip will be too long (18 hours in the car) and stressful and she'll end up really sick.
Ah well. I'll deal with that when I get to it.
I'll be spending the weekend off at munch and playparty so that should be fun. I may even get the balls up to play in public. We'll see.
D and I are still doing great. It's in that comfort zone level where I'm rarely fretful about where things are going or how he feels about me. It feels good to feel secure and happy and supported in my explorations and fun. I know I can rely on him to be there for me with great advice and a caring heart, and that's really important to me. We've both been super busy but still manage to make time for each other. I'm very lucky. :)
Lots of things have been going on. X and I are closer than ever, really tight with a great friendship bond. We've been doing the munch and bdsm social circuit and meeting all sorts of new people and making lots of friends. It's been lovely. :)
D was kind enough to allow me to make a playdate with X last night. It was really fantastic. I was very nervous because its been a very long time since I've had an impact play session, and never with someone with the wide variety of implements that X has. And also never with someone I wasn't in a sexual relationship with, so there were lots of firsts.
I had no idea how I would react. I didn't know if I'd start screaming, trying to dodge blows, squirming, crying, become stoic, shut down, etc. So there were nerves about that. But when it came down to it, it was terrific. It felt good, even when it hurt. I got to feel the sensations of lots of things I was scared of, like canes and a horsetail flogger, a knotted & braided cat and a dragon's tail. That's why it's a good idea to try things you are afraid of, you get to either confirm the fear or lay it to rest. Besides, the nerves are half the fun (easy to say in hindsight).
On the kitty front, Melody is doing very well. She's still got a stuffy nose, but she's put on weight and her coat feels much fuller and softer. She's still a scaredy cat, though, and I'm not sure why. I suspect she may have some hearing and vision problems as she never seems to recognize me and often sleeps through me entering the room.
It looks like I will be moving to Texas soon. I think I've mentioned my ex L before. We are very close friends and business associates, and he's convinced me that I need to move closer for the benefit of my business and finances. I'm pretty sad about leaving X behind and of course all my other many wonderful friends here, but I feel like it's time. L's girlfriend, N, is also very enthusiastic about me moving close, and I feel pretty good about it too. It's rough because I've built such a wonderful support system here, but the change and opportunities are exciting. So boxing up and purging is on the agenda for the next while. I figure if I can get a good majority taken care of, that I can live with very few items out.
It's hard to say when it will actually happen. Anywhere between a month and 6 months is the guess, but it depends on when we can find a suitable house and L can get up here, help me pack up a truck and then drive the kitties and I down. I'll be moving to the greater Houston area.
I'm pretty worried about making the move with Melody. I'm really hoping I can find someone to take her before that happens. She's made some great strides, but with my bully, Simple, around, we've taken a lot of setbacks too. I worry that the trip will be too long (18 hours in the car) and stressful and she'll end up really sick.
Ah well. I'll deal with that when I get to it.
I'll be spending the weekend off at munch and playparty so that should be fun. I may even get the balls up to play in public. We'll see.
D and I are still doing great. It's in that comfort zone level where I'm rarely fretful about where things are going or how he feels about me. It feels good to feel secure and happy and supported in my explorations and fun. I know I can rely on him to be there for me with great advice and a caring heart, and that's really important to me. We've both been super busy but still manage to make time for each other. I'm very lucky. :)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tell it to your Mama
I'm so over toxic people who bring drama into my life. Goodbye and stay away.
No, I'm not leaving Fetlife nor am I particularly angry or flouncing or anything. I just had to come to the realization for myself that there are some folks that I can't be friends with. They are bad for me and I end up not liking who I am around them.
I also realize that I am doing something to attract this sort of person into my life. I am, despite some appearances, rather a compassionate person, sometimes to my own detriment. Usually, it is absolutely the right thing to help someone out, especially a friend, if they need you. But I need to be better at spotting who I *shouldn't* help.
My safety, stability and happiness does have to take priority over that of a stranger. It's an old lesson from my teen years that I seem to have forgotten lately. But, I don't like that "me" either. Being crusty and having up walls up all the time to keep other people out is not the right thing for me either.
So where is the middle ground where I'm better at vetting those who need, deserve and appreciate the help rather than those who will take and take and take and then drag my name through the mud when I say enough is enough?
I don't want to be the closed off creature from yesteryear, but I also don't want to be a moron and get myself taken advantage by the lusers (loser + user) of this world. I know my friends usually have a better eye than I do. I probably should rely on them more when it comes to this. D warned me that I could be bringing drama into my house this last time around, but supported me trying to help someone out. I suppose the risk of drama doesn't seem that bothersome until I'm embroiled in it.
It seems my extremist personality is rearing it's head again. I joke that it's my Libra self trying to balance things out through being one way or another, but rarely moderate. So I guess in this situation I find myself either very compassionate or very cynical. Perhaps that is the blend that attracts drama queens to it.
No, I'm not leaving Fetlife nor am I particularly angry or flouncing or anything. I just had to come to the realization for myself that there are some folks that I can't be friends with. They are bad for me and I end up not liking who I am around them.
I also realize that I am doing something to attract this sort of person into my life. I am, despite some appearances, rather a compassionate person, sometimes to my own detriment. Usually, it is absolutely the right thing to help someone out, especially a friend, if they need you. But I need to be better at spotting who I *shouldn't* help.
My safety, stability and happiness does have to take priority over that of a stranger. It's an old lesson from my teen years that I seem to have forgotten lately. But, I don't like that "me" either. Being crusty and having up walls up all the time to keep other people out is not the right thing for me either.
So where is the middle ground where I'm better at vetting those who need, deserve and appreciate the help rather than those who will take and take and take and then drag my name through the mud when I say enough is enough?
I don't want to be the closed off creature from yesteryear, but I also don't want to be a moron and get myself taken advantage by the lusers (loser + user) of this world. I know my friends usually have a better eye than I do. I probably should rely on them more when it comes to this. D warned me that I could be bringing drama into my house this last time around, but supported me trying to help someone out. I suppose the risk of drama doesn't seem that bothersome until I'm embroiled in it.
It seems my extremist personality is rearing it's head again. I joke that it's my Libra self trying to balance things out through being one way or another, but rarely moderate. So I guess in this situation I find myself either very compassionate or very cynical. Perhaps that is the blend that attracts drama queens to it.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Birthday and Saturn Return
So Friday was my 34th birthday. Yay me! I know a lot of folks have nothing but angst at their birthday, but I don't. I really just enjoy it more and more every year. Friday wasn't a super exciting day, I had to work after all, but that night my friend X and I went to a local munch with plans to go to the Ren Faire the next day.
Faire was awesome. The weather was perfect and I had 4 of my favorite people come with me for a fabulous girls day of drunkenness and debauchery. Way too fun. I also got a bit drunk, but apparently I was a happy drunk. :D
One of my new traditions is to get a tarot reading by my friend R every year after my birthday and do a bit of a check-in for the year. There was lots of good stuff and some stuff to learn in there, but the most interesting was the concept of "Saturn Return" and the fact that I had missed mine. R explained it as a sort of "diploma" of what you've learned in that part of your life. For the lazy, here's the Wiki Entry.
Apparently, I didn't learn my lesson on something the first time around. Go figure.
Another part of my tarot was the fact I haven't been journaling lately and that I really ought to do so. So here I am trying to work on that particular part. Besides, I miss it sometimes. The reason I was so happy to start journalling in the first place was because I could go back later and read old entries. Hopefully, in an attempt to see where I've been, what I've done, and what I've learned. Learning stuff is good.
S snuck 3 bottles of wine in as my present. She asked me what I'd want to drink and I told her wine, cheap, white and plentiful. She delivered. ;)
She picked wine with awesome names too. One was Mad Housewife, Royal Bitch and hmm.. I can't remember the last one. Probably because I drank it already. ;)
After an absolutely amazing day hanging with my girls, we headed out to my favorite sushi bar on the planet (OK, so I've never been to Japan, but still! so good!) with my girls and a couple other friends who wanted to treat me to my favorite meal. I was all filled up on raw fishies and good times and headed home to snuggle up with kitties.
On the relationship front, Daddy and I have continued to be insanely busy the past few months. It's been rough but we finally got time today to have some sexeh time. It was much needed by both of us frankly. I'm managed to keep plenty busy, but I still miss him even then. At least I'm not pining. That's progress, right?
T, the stray puppy I took in, has moved on to another home. No, she's not actually a puppy, just as messy, excited, annoying, attention seeking and destructive as one. She's also gifted at telling me I'm doing it wrong. Fortunately, I think she's with a person she can get along with well and I really hope it works out for her. I have my key back.
So there's been a stray cat at the shop for the past week. She got into the basement somehow and won't leave. Anyways, I finally caught her today, which the new scars on my arms will attest to. She's very sweet, but filthy and possibly diseased. I was planning to take her to a shelter, but because of all the folks losing their jobs and homes, the shelters are too full to take her. I could pay $25 and have her killed at the humane society, which they would do as she's unadoptable in this state, but I couldn't just let it go. So I called my ex, L, who I've managed to turn into the crazy cat man over the years we were together. I told him about her and asked him if he could help with her vet bills so I could try to give her a home. I live on a super tight budget and spaying and vetting a new kitty is just not on it, sadly.
On that note, if a new kitty (or doggy) IS on yours, please please please go adopt one? And for the love of christ (or your diety/grandmother of choice) get all your pets spayed/neutered. While I'm on the soap box, treat your animals with love, respect and care. New kitty has obviously been abused by someone. She was someone's pet and they threw her away. Now she's feral and almost died. She was drinking nasty water in the basement before we started giving her food and water. It breaks my heart.
So now I have a new kitty, at least for now. I'm not sure if I will be able to just foster her and hope for someone to want to own her or not, or if I will have to keep her. She'll let me pet her a bit, so she's not completely wild, but she's very shy, nervous and hopeful all in one. Now I need to come up with a name. Suggestions are welcome.
At this moment, kitty is snuggled up in her new room, food, shelter, fresh water, a litter box (god I hope she uses it!) and a VERY full tummy. Happily she loves the premium cat food I bought that Mo and Simple sneer at.
Speaking of rooms, the room was so nasty after T left that I had to clean it before I'd let the cat live in there. You know, the stray cat that's filthy herself? Yeah. Gross. There was food all over the floor. Chips, ramen noodles, dog food, cereal. And I'm not talking about a few crumbs. I'm talking about having to use a broom on the carpet before I could use a vacuum because it would get clogged otherwise.
So I don't have good thoughts about "roommates" right now, especially those who aren't actual roommates who pay their own way, but those who are virtually homeless who take advantage of my hospitality and then are totally ungrateful and leave me a mess to clean up. I need to learn to be less sympathetic apparently. *sigh*
And yes, I'm aware of the irony of getting rid of one stray and taking in another. Do I ever.
Faire was awesome. The weather was perfect and I had 4 of my favorite people come with me for a fabulous girls day of drunkenness and debauchery. Way too fun. I also got a bit drunk, but apparently I was a happy drunk. :D
One of my new traditions is to get a tarot reading by my friend R every year after my birthday and do a bit of a check-in for the year. There was lots of good stuff and some stuff to learn in there, but the most interesting was the concept of "Saturn Return" and the fact that I had missed mine. R explained it as a sort of "diploma" of what you've learned in that part of your life. For the lazy, here's the Wiki Entry.
Apparently, I didn't learn my lesson on something the first time around. Go figure.
Another part of my tarot was the fact I haven't been journaling lately and that I really ought to do so. So here I am trying to work on that particular part. Besides, I miss it sometimes. The reason I was so happy to start journalling in the first place was because I could go back later and read old entries. Hopefully, in an attempt to see where I've been, what I've done, and what I've learned. Learning stuff is good.
S snuck 3 bottles of wine in as my present. She asked me what I'd want to drink and I told her wine, cheap, white and plentiful. She delivered. ;)
She picked wine with awesome names too. One was Mad Housewife, Royal Bitch and hmm.. I can't remember the last one. Probably because I drank it already. ;)
After an absolutely amazing day hanging with my girls, we headed out to my favorite sushi bar on the planet (OK, so I've never been to Japan, but still! so good!) with my girls and a couple other friends who wanted to treat me to my favorite meal. I was all filled up on raw fishies and good times and headed home to snuggle up with kitties.
On the relationship front, Daddy and I have continued to be insanely busy the past few months. It's been rough but we finally got time today to have some sexeh time. It was much needed by both of us frankly. I'm managed to keep plenty busy, but I still miss him even then. At least I'm not pining. That's progress, right?
T, the stray puppy I took in, has moved on to another home. No, she's not actually a puppy, just as messy, excited, annoying, attention seeking and destructive as one. She's also gifted at telling me I'm doing it wrong. Fortunately, I think she's with a person she can get along with well and I really hope it works out for her. I have my key back.
So there's been a stray cat at the shop for the past week. She got into the basement somehow and won't leave. Anyways, I finally caught her today, which the new scars on my arms will attest to. She's very sweet, but filthy and possibly diseased. I was planning to take her to a shelter, but because of all the folks losing their jobs and homes, the shelters are too full to take her. I could pay $25 and have her killed at the humane society, which they would do as she's unadoptable in this state, but I couldn't just let it go. So I called my ex, L, who I've managed to turn into the crazy cat man over the years we were together. I told him about her and asked him if he could help with her vet bills so I could try to give her a home. I live on a super tight budget and spaying and vetting a new kitty is just not on it, sadly.
On that note, if a new kitty (or doggy) IS on yours, please please please go adopt one? And for the love of christ (or your diety/grandmother of choice) get all your pets spayed/neutered. While I'm on the soap box, treat your animals with love, respect and care. New kitty has obviously been abused by someone. She was someone's pet and they threw her away. Now she's feral and almost died. She was drinking nasty water in the basement before we started giving her food and water. It breaks my heart.
So now I have a new kitty, at least for now. I'm not sure if I will be able to just foster her and hope for someone to want to own her or not, or if I will have to keep her. She'll let me pet her a bit, so she's not completely wild, but she's very shy, nervous and hopeful all in one. Now I need to come up with a name. Suggestions are welcome.
At this moment, kitty is snuggled up in her new room, food, shelter, fresh water, a litter box (god I hope she uses it!) and a VERY full tummy. Happily she loves the premium cat food I bought that Mo and Simple sneer at.
Speaking of rooms, the room was so nasty after T left that I had to clean it before I'd let the cat live in there. You know, the stray cat that's filthy herself? Yeah. Gross. There was food all over the floor. Chips, ramen noodles, dog food, cereal. And I'm not talking about a few crumbs. I'm talking about having to use a broom on the carpet before I could use a vacuum because it would get clogged otherwise.
So I don't have good thoughts about "roommates" right now, especially those who aren't actual roommates who pay their own way, but those who are virtually homeless who take advantage of my hospitality and then are totally ungrateful and leave me a mess to clean up. I need to learn to be less sympathetic apparently. *sigh*
And yes, I'm aware of the irony of getting rid of one stray and taking in another. Do I ever.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Taking in Strays
It's been quite some time since I wrote in my journal. Seems like just yesterday when I was writing in it everyday religiously. I've been thinking the last few weeks that I needed to get on it and write something, but haven't up till now. I want to try to write at least a bit everyday, but we'll see what happens. :)
I've been inordinately busy this season. Work has been grueling and has kept me from home and in the shop more often than not. I'm anticipating a move sometime in the next few months hopefully. There's a great spot nearby with workshop/retail space up front and a large studio apartment in the back. The apartment needs some work, like a larger sink in the kitchen, more cupboards, a washer/dryer hookup and then the bathroom needs a tub. But, the space is very cool. :)
It's mostly a matter of money and negotiation with the landlord at this point. Calculations wise it should be a bit cheaper to live and heat/electrocize the place, plus I'll be on the ground floor, have my own driveway, and possibly space to put in an urban garden and composter. That's pretty exciting. :)
Anyways, in addition to that, I attended my first munch in god knows how many years (probably 7 or so) with my friend X. We had a great time and met a bunch of fun folks. I was sitting next to a rather troubled lady on my left who was not having a happy night of it. She kind of reminded me of the drama at these things that I try to avoid. At any rate, I didn't let her get me down. X was lots of fun and there was a great many opportunities for laughter.
I met a cute boi (T) there as well who I was hoping to get to talk to more, but she was sitting too far away. That's one thing I don't like at all about these restaurant munches. It's nice to be able to sit and eat and all, but it's harder to socialize with people who aren't immediately around you. Since folks tend to sit with those they know well, it's unlikely they'll be able to make new friends. T and I exchanged numbers and she indicated an interest in coming up to visit my shop and that's how it was left.
T ended up making an appointment, then emailing to cancel it. She was living with the unhappy lady who was sitting beside me at the munch, and 2 other people and had been told to leave. After some consultation with D, I invited her to come and stay with me for a week while she tried to get things sorted and find a spot to live. I believe that was August 11, and she's been living here since.
We've formed a rather close bond which D knows about and has been encouraging of. I'd like to see T built a stable environment for herself first, and then continue her search for a permanent service placement, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. She's very impulsive and really wants to find a permanent place with a Domme.
I wish I could provide that for her, but I don't think it's in me. I like to play with and top her, but ownership is just not in my purview. I also can't afford a dependent. If she wants to stay, she has to at least cover any additional expenses caused by her living here, plus help around the place.
Admittedly, I'm enjoying having her here. She's very sweet and has made me appreciate cuddling a lot more. In fact, I've not been on my computer nearly as often because we are hanging out so much together.
Last weekend, X came over on Saturday to go to a local festival and then have a sleepover. We ended up co-topping T much of the afternoon, night and then the next day. X's style of play suits mine very well, which leans more towards the gleefully sadistic side. There's not oodles of barking order and such, just lots of laughter and poking with sticks. It was good fun. Poor T was reduced to tears on more than one occasion.
She and I had a bit of a debrief the next day and I found out that she hadn't really explored that side before, and was more into sensual domination. She's also been struggling with bratting, which I can relate to. It's been a long time since I've done it, but I think the turning point for me was learning that I can ask for what I want, instead of trying to instigate bad attention all the time. Having someone who is open to real communication, even if the news is bad, is extremely helpful for this. Being respectful and thoughtful helps a bunch too admittedly.
At any rate, I'm hoping to explore my own toppy side more with T this coming weekend. X, T and myself are all headed out for some camping with other kinksters. Since we know practically nobody, it should be very interesting. I'm hoping to make lots of friends in the area, and it would be nice to find a home for T as well. I'm totally torn. I'd love her to stay because I'm enjoying her company a great deal, but I really just hope she stays in the area so we can continue to be friends.
D has also been super busy the past month or so. Lots of family obligations and extremely busy at work. I've been grateful that I've had so much social time so I don't mope so much. It's been really hard still though, because I feel like we don't have the time just to talk about what's been going on day to day. A lot of routines have been put aside because of necessity and not having the time for it and then the presence of T in the home. He and I discussed it though, and will be working to re-institute those again.
I tend to get kind of antsy when I don't have lots of direction from him. It makes me feel adrift and sad. I mean yes, I can function just fine without him telling me what to do, but that is one of many things that bind us together and when it's gone, I miss it a lot. We haven't had much time for him to use me either, and the times that have been available have ended up being missed opportunities. Either because of my health, or his, or interruptions, or whatever. It'll be nice to get some of that back soon.
I've been inordinately busy this season. Work has been grueling and has kept me from home and in the shop more often than not. I'm anticipating a move sometime in the next few months hopefully. There's a great spot nearby with workshop/retail space up front and a large studio apartment in the back. The apartment needs some work, like a larger sink in the kitchen, more cupboards, a washer/dryer hookup and then the bathroom needs a tub. But, the space is very cool. :)
It's mostly a matter of money and negotiation with the landlord at this point. Calculations wise it should be a bit cheaper to live and heat/electrocize the place, plus I'll be on the ground floor, have my own driveway, and possibly space to put in an urban garden and composter. That's pretty exciting. :)
Anyways, in addition to that, I attended my first munch in god knows how many years (probably 7 or so) with my friend X. We had a great time and met a bunch of fun folks. I was sitting next to a rather troubled lady on my left who was not having a happy night of it. She kind of reminded me of the drama at these things that I try to avoid. At any rate, I didn't let her get me down. X was lots of fun and there was a great many opportunities for laughter.
I met a cute boi (T) there as well who I was hoping to get to talk to more, but she was sitting too far away. That's one thing I don't like at all about these restaurant munches. It's nice to be able to sit and eat and all, but it's harder to socialize with people who aren't immediately around you. Since folks tend to sit with those they know well, it's unlikely they'll be able to make new friends. T and I exchanged numbers and she indicated an interest in coming up to visit my shop and that's how it was left.
T ended up making an appointment, then emailing to cancel it. She was living with the unhappy lady who was sitting beside me at the munch, and 2 other people and had been told to leave. After some consultation with D, I invited her to come and stay with me for a week while she tried to get things sorted and find a spot to live. I believe that was August 11, and she's been living here since.
We've formed a rather close bond which D knows about and has been encouraging of. I'd like to see T built a stable environment for herself first, and then continue her search for a permanent service placement, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. She's very impulsive and really wants to find a permanent place with a Domme.
I wish I could provide that for her, but I don't think it's in me. I like to play with and top her, but ownership is just not in my purview. I also can't afford a dependent. If she wants to stay, she has to at least cover any additional expenses caused by her living here, plus help around the place.
Admittedly, I'm enjoying having her here. She's very sweet and has made me appreciate cuddling a lot more. In fact, I've not been on my computer nearly as often because we are hanging out so much together.
Last weekend, X came over on Saturday to go to a local festival and then have a sleepover. We ended up co-topping T much of the afternoon, night and then the next day. X's style of play suits mine very well, which leans more towards the gleefully sadistic side. There's not oodles of barking order and such, just lots of laughter and poking with sticks. It was good fun. Poor T was reduced to tears on more than one occasion.
She and I had a bit of a debrief the next day and I found out that she hadn't really explored that side before, and was more into sensual domination. She's also been struggling with bratting, which I can relate to. It's been a long time since I've done it, but I think the turning point for me was learning that I can ask for what I want, instead of trying to instigate bad attention all the time. Having someone who is open to real communication, even if the news is bad, is extremely helpful for this. Being respectful and thoughtful helps a bunch too admittedly.
At any rate, I'm hoping to explore my own toppy side more with T this coming weekend. X, T and myself are all headed out for some camping with other kinksters. Since we know practically nobody, it should be very interesting. I'm hoping to make lots of friends in the area, and it would be nice to find a home for T as well. I'm totally torn. I'd love her to stay because I'm enjoying her company a great deal, but I really just hope she stays in the area so we can continue to be friends.
D has also been super busy the past month or so. Lots of family obligations and extremely busy at work. I've been grateful that I've had so much social time so I don't mope so much. It's been really hard still though, because I feel like we don't have the time just to talk about what's been going on day to day. A lot of routines have been put aside because of necessity and not having the time for it and then the presence of T in the home. He and I discussed it though, and will be working to re-institute those again.
I tend to get kind of antsy when I don't have lots of direction from him. It makes me feel adrift and sad. I mean yes, I can function just fine without him telling me what to do, but that is one of many things that bind us together and when it's gone, I miss it a lot. We haven't had much time for him to use me either, and the times that have been available have ended up being missed opportunities. Either because of my health, or his, or interruptions, or whatever. It'll be nice to get some of that back soon.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Smoking
I have been in the process of smoking cessation for over 18 months now. I've had a few people email me to ask about the "plan" I used, so I decided to copy my response to a blog entry in the hopes that it will help others too. I am now down to about 3 or 4 cigarettes a week and sometimes as little as 3-4 / month, depending on the month. My doctor does not consider my smoking to be at a level where it can affect my health, which is just one of the reasons I'm doing it.
So here's the email:
I think we all have those days where we just say "fuck it". I don't think there's anything wrong with it, except when it becomes our constant state of being. I don't have any easy or quick "cures" to smoking, but I'll relate to you what I have done and hope that it helps you too.
The biggest thing for me is that absolutes just make me want to rebel, and once I do, it makes me feel like I failed. Most people say you have to just "quit cold turkey" and never ever have another cigarette again. It's like that would be a magic smoke that would cause us to start back to smoking a pack a day and now have failed completely.
So I eliminated that from my plan. There is no absolutes and no failure. There is no "I quit smoking" there will always be "I'm quitting smoking". For me the difference was subtle, but necessary for my particular psychology.
A bit of background on me. I started smoking at 14 and at this point have smoked more years than I haven't. There's been a few years in between when I had quit "cold turkey" but it always seemed like in those moments of extreme stress, or because my friends/bf/co-workers were smoking, I ended up starting back on it. This happened at various times actually. I'd stop for a while, even a year or two at a time, but then back I'd go, and getting back up to a pack a day was easier and easier.
I realized that for me, as a woman on birth control, I had to stop smoking soon because I was nearing the age where they would refuse to prescribe it because I smoked. I have been told that over the years by doctors. In addition, the nasty taste I woke up to each morning became less and less tolerable, and of course the environment here in the US is not very tolerant of smokers. Visits to non-smoking homes made me realize how gross my own dwelling smelled. On top of all of that, my Daddy didn't want me to smoke either. So we worked up a plan together.
I have certain "rules" about smoking and follow them. This is not BDSM rules, but more of a code of behavior to help quit. I have done the cold turkey route before as I said, and it worked for a while at least, but I always ended up starting up again. Now, since I don't intend to ever fully quit, there's nothing to start up. I don't ever fail because the rules are in place and I just follow them.
The "rules" are flexible because there are no absolutes in this. They are guidelines that can help me, but life will often upset even the best laid plans.
1. Set a limit.
Basically, I can have 1 cigarette a day. That was how I weaned myself off. When I got those inevitable cravings, I could usually stem them off by reassuring myself that I could have a cigarette tomorrow. Or, I would have my one cigarette for the day and satisfy the cravings.
2. Home environment.
I no longer smoke in my home at all. However, I've even made exceptions to that once in a while when I have a smoker friend over and we end up smoking socially.
2. Purchasing.
I don't buy cigarettes. I've broken this one before while going on vacation last year, but for over a year now this has held true. I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to stick to "one a day" until they were gone and then didn't buy more.
3. Friends & Social Smoking.
If I don't buy them, obviously I get them somewhere. I'm allowed to bum them off people, but my own politeness generally keeps me from doing this often. Now when I smoke, it's usually with my business partner and is mostly a social thing so we can connect and touch base and keep communication open.
The key for me, I think, is the lack of absolutes. I don't ever fail at it. I just take it one day at a time. Usually now I don't even have cravings, but on the occasions I do, I am allowed to have one. And even when I'm in the highly triggering situations like being around lots of smokers and drinking, I make a plan before the situation arises and allow myself a certain amount for the weekend/night. Generally, Daddy helps me set the boundaries, but there's no punishment if I go over. I just try very hard not to.
At this point, the day to day stuff isn't hard. The occasional party is more challenging, but generally the after effects of having too many cigarettes the night before helps quell the urge to smoke again for a while. I suppose for me, I'm just unlearning to smoke like I learned to smoke. Gradually and organically. I mean, I definitely did not start off smoking a pack a day. I started off sneaking one or two with friends at school and it was definitely a social activity. I just put it back into that category of occasional social activity like drinking.
This is long and rambling but I hope it helps. :)
So here's the email:
I think we all have those days where we just say "fuck it". I don't think there's anything wrong with it, except when it becomes our constant state of being. I don't have any easy or quick "cures" to smoking, but I'll relate to you what I have done and hope that it helps you too.
The biggest thing for me is that absolutes just make me want to rebel, and once I do, it makes me feel like I failed. Most people say you have to just "quit cold turkey" and never ever have another cigarette again. It's like that would be a magic smoke that would cause us to start back to smoking a pack a day and now have failed completely.
So I eliminated that from my plan. There is no absolutes and no failure. There is no "I quit smoking" there will always be "I'm quitting smoking". For me the difference was subtle, but necessary for my particular psychology.
A bit of background on me. I started smoking at 14 and at this point have smoked more years than I haven't. There's been a few years in between when I had quit "cold turkey" but it always seemed like in those moments of extreme stress, or because my friends/bf/co-workers were smoking, I ended up starting back on it. This happened at various times actually. I'd stop for a while, even a year or two at a time, but then back I'd go, and getting back up to a pack a day was easier and easier.
I realized that for me, as a woman on birth control, I had to stop smoking soon because I was nearing the age where they would refuse to prescribe it because I smoked. I have been told that over the years by doctors. In addition, the nasty taste I woke up to each morning became less and less tolerable, and of course the environment here in the US is not very tolerant of smokers. Visits to non-smoking homes made me realize how gross my own dwelling smelled. On top of all of that, my Daddy didn't want me to smoke either. So we worked up a plan together.
I have certain "rules" about smoking and follow them. This is not BDSM rules, but more of a code of behavior to help quit. I have done the cold turkey route before as I said, and it worked for a while at least, but I always ended up starting up again. Now, since I don't intend to ever fully quit, there's nothing to start up. I don't ever fail because the rules are in place and I just follow them.
The "rules" are flexible because there are no absolutes in this. They are guidelines that can help me, but life will often upset even the best laid plans.
1. Set a limit.
Basically, I can have 1 cigarette a day. That was how I weaned myself off. When I got those inevitable cravings, I could usually stem them off by reassuring myself that I could have a cigarette tomorrow. Or, I would have my one cigarette for the day and satisfy the cravings.
2. Home environment.
I no longer smoke in my home at all. However, I've even made exceptions to that once in a while when I have a smoker friend over and we end up smoking socially.
2. Purchasing.
I don't buy cigarettes. I've broken this one before while going on vacation last year, but for over a year now this has held true. I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to stick to "one a day" until they were gone and then didn't buy more.
3. Friends & Social Smoking.
If I don't buy them, obviously I get them somewhere. I'm allowed to bum them off people, but my own politeness generally keeps me from doing this often. Now when I smoke, it's usually with my business partner and is mostly a social thing so we can connect and touch base and keep communication open.
The key for me, I think, is the lack of absolutes. I don't ever fail at it. I just take it one day at a time. Usually now I don't even have cravings, but on the occasions I do, I am allowed to have one. And even when I'm in the highly triggering situations like being around lots of smokers and drinking, I make a plan before the situation arises and allow myself a certain amount for the weekend/night. Generally, Daddy helps me set the boundaries, but there's no punishment if I go over. I just try very hard not to.
At this point, the day to day stuff isn't hard. The occasional party is more challenging, but generally the after effects of having too many cigarettes the night before helps quell the urge to smoke again for a while. I suppose for me, I'm just unlearning to smoke like I learned to smoke. Gradually and organically. I mean, I definitely did not start off smoking a pack a day. I started off sneaking one or two with friends at school and it was definitely a social activity. I just put it back into that category of occasional social activity like drinking.
This is long and rambling but I hope it helps. :)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Thoughts on the Sub/Slave question
Another fetlife post, but one I wanted to keep since it comes up so often.
I always find the sub/slave discussions rather puzzling myself but there are always the same sorts of viewpoints brought up.
Some people appear to believe that submissives have a certain type of personality in day to day life as well as in their relationship and if you don't have those qualities, you are not a submissive and in fact may be dominant.
L summed up some of these traits when she said, "I am not passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble in any type of way."
I dispute the validity of thinking that those traits are required to be a submissive. In fact, I think only one trait is important, that you submit. Whether forced, coerced, manipulated, or a willing and eager participant, that's all that's really required.
There is no rule about who you submit to, how it happens, where it occurs, why it happens, when, for how long, etc.
For me, and others, I think this is where the confusion comes in because we do see slaves submitting to the rule of their owner, regardless of whether they are happy about it or being forced to do it, they do, in fact, do it.
But, you know, everyone is allowed to self identify, so I just smile and nod if someone claims to be a slave but not "submissive" because they obviously see being submissive as some personality style that they don't identify with.
In fact, if I agreed that being passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble was integral to being "submissive", I would certainly not claim it either, though I can certainly be that way at times, it's generally centered around the person who owns me (or who I have chosen to submit to) and they happen to bring out those traits in me.
In addition, some believe that a dominant personality type consists of bitchiness, rudeness, being blunt, coarse, bossy, pushy, smart-assed, arrogant, stubborn, etc. I disagree again. For me, a dominant personality has to do with personal charisma and charm. The ability to draw attention by presence and not gimmicks or posturing.
I am dominant at my job because I happen to be the owner of the business. I must be in a position of authority, set the tone, rules, structure of the workplace and see to the needs of my employees, with the goal being to wring every last bit of effort and effectiveness out of them while allowing them to function and hopefully be content and satisfied with their work. Wanting them to be happy isn't a sign of my benevolence, it's simply the most efficient way to keep them from stealing, backstabbing, sabotaging, passive aggressive behaviors and quitting.
Dominants have a wide variety of personalities, just as submissives do. Some choose to go with the "asshole dom" persona, others choose more tact and politeness. Is one not really a dom? I don't know. I know that some appeal to me more than others, but those same people I don't care for are just right for someone else.
As for slaves having to be submissive. Well I don't think they are required to have a stereotypical submissive personality as described above, but they are certainly required to submit to their owner. If he is the leader, then they must be the follower I suppose.
I'm not sure how one knows if they are suited for slavery or not. For me it was simply instinctual. I was drawn more and more to absolute authority dynamics. But, the fact is, that compatibility is key. How L sees her slavery is different from how I would see it, or how you might see yours.
I don't consider it to be "All about the owner" and neither does my owner. We look at it as a way we can both be fulfilled and happiness for all involved is what we strive for.
That doesn't mean one of us is right and one is wrong, just that we all find fulfillment in our different ways and finding the person (or people) who are right for us is what makes it work.
It can be quite difficult to move forward after losing an owner. I had a rough transition period after my split with my first owner, but he actually helped me quite a lot in adjusting fortunately. Many are not so lucky because their owner dies suddenly. When you foster the sort of dependence that these relationships do, I think you do need to take into account the risk that entails.
I always find the sub/slave discussions rather puzzling myself but there are always the same sorts of viewpoints brought up.
Some people appear to believe that submissives have a certain type of personality in day to day life as well as in their relationship and if you don't have those qualities, you are not a submissive and in fact may be dominant.
L summed up some of these traits when she said, "I am not passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble in any type of way."
I dispute the validity of thinking that those traits are required to be a submissive. In fact, I think only one trait is important, that you submit. Whether forced, coerced, manipulated, or a willing and eager participant, that's all that's really required.
There is no rule about who you submit to, how it happens, where it occurs, why it happens, when, for how long, etc.
For me, and others, I think this is where the confusion comes in because we do see slaves submitting to the rule of their owner, regardless of whether they are happy about it or being forced to do it, they do, in fact, do it.
But, you know, everyone is allowed to self identify, so I just smile and nod if someone claims to be a slave but not "submissive" because they obviously see being submissive as some personality style that they don't identify with.
In fact, if I agreed that being passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble was integral to being "submissive", I would certainly not claim it either, though I can certainly be that way at times, it's generally centered around the person who owns me (or who I have chosen to submit to) and they happen to bring out those traits in me.
In addition, some believe that a dominant personality type consists of bitchiness, rudeness, being blunt, coarse, bossy, pushy, smart-assed, arrogant, stubborn, etc. I disagree again. For me, a dominant personality has to do with personal charisma and charm. The ability to draw attention by presence and not gimmicks or posturing.
I am dominant at my job because I happen to be the owner of the business. I must be in a position of authority, set the tone, rules, structure of the workplace and see to the needs of my employees, with the goal being to wring every last bit of effort and effectiveness out of them while allowing them to function and hopefully be content and satisfied with their work. Wanting them to be happy isn't a sign of my benevolence, it's simply the most efficient way to keep them from stealing, backstabbing, sabotaging, passive aggressive behaviors and quitting.
Dominants have a wide variety of personalities, just as submissives do. Some choose to go with the "asshole dom" persona, others choose more tact and politeness. Is one not really a dom? I don't know. I know that some appeal to me more than others, but those same people I don't care for are just right for someone else.
As for slaves having to be submissive. Well I don't think they are required to have a stereotypical submissive personality as described above, but they are certainly required to submit to their owner. If he is the leader, then they must be the follower I suppose.
I'm not sure how one knows if they are suited for slavery or not. For me it was simply instinctual. I was drawn more and more to absolute authority dynamics. But, the fact is, that compatibility is key. How L sees her slavery is different from how I would see it, or how you might see yours.
I don't consider it to be "All about the owner" and neither does my owner. We look at it as a way we can both be fulfilled and happiness for all involved is what we strive for.
That doesn't mean one of us is right and one is wrong, just that we all find fulfillment in our different ways and finding the person (or people) who are right for us is what makes it work.
It can be quite difficult to move forward after losing an owner. I had a rough transition period after my split with my first owner, but he actually helped me quite a lot in adjusting fortunately. Many are not so lucky because their owner dies suddenly. When you foster the sort of dependence that these relationships do, I think you do need to take into account the risk that entails.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Social Hour
Gah! I was halfway through a post and totally lost the whole thing when firefox crashed. So annoying!
Anyways, I went out for Indian food today with a lovely new friend I met on OK cupid. She just moved here with her quad from Cali and we had a great conversation about a full range of topics. It was one of those nice, flowing, non-awkward get togethers that just works. We've only emailed a couple times so we are virtually strangers with tons of undiscovered information to share. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more.
And she's kinky.
Subtly dropped into the conversation as she talked about the local munch she'd be attending that evening and about her part time slave back in Cali. We didn't get into details but I had suspected she was. I'm telling you, I only ever meet poly/kinky people on OKCupid. I really like their setup over there.
At some point I might go to a munch with her and her family. It's been a while for me and would be nice to hang with kinky folks again in a real time setting. I always have concern about the drama element, but I suppose it's present everywhere and one just has to deal with it. I know Daddy would like me to get out in the community more and try to find someone to scratch the itch locally, and so would I to a certain extent. On the other hand, I've had so many crappy, emotionally/mentally devoid play partners, or have just been uninterested in the kinky guys I've met locally.
At one time I was even quite social and dating frequently. I met lots of guys on various personals or websites and a few ended up in my bed or pissing on me or doing other dirty things, but on the whole they just have been lacking. It makes me feel rather meh about the whole situation, though I know that there's other people out there who I'd be more compatible with.
I'm just really really OVER the emotionless, NSA sexual get togethers. I understand the appeal. I've enjoyed them in the past. But I don't like to have to compartmentalize myself, especially not with people I'm fucking. I'm totally ok with having friends that I fuck. In fact, that's what I want. I generally have strong feelings and love towards my friends with no ill repercussions, so why do I have to strip it out of my sexual relations? I don't need a romantic relationship with them, but I also don't want to have to be so guarded and aloof. I can do that just fine thanks. ;)
Anyways, we'll see what will happen. I would certainly prefer if Daddy would just be able to come over and fuck me, but he's far away and his cock just isn't that long. I'd be scared if it were, come to think of it.
--------
Despite having a good day and week all in all, I haven't been feeling very well. My tummy's been hella grumpy again. I probably ate something that pissed it off. I'll have to look at my food journal and try to figure out what it was. So irritating.
I went into Planned Parenthood this past Wednesday for my yearly and to get some STI tests done. Now my arm looks like someone hit me with a hammer. I got blood tests, and despite warning the phlebotomist that I have tiny squirrelly veins she managed to collapse it. At least the blood came out. It's been a while since I got blood work done and the needle really didn't hurt much at all.
So I'm thinking that trying out needles for play might be interesting. I've never had anyone into doing them before, but Daddy is for sure.
Well there was one guy that I went on ONE date with and he got drunk and was driving. That was the last time I saw him. He kept talking about this chick he tied up and stuck needles in her tits as he was polishing off his 4th beer in that hour. Yeah. Creepy.
I've actually been considering needle play for a couple years now. I figure I can always tap out if it's too much, but seriously, how bad is it? Anyone want to share? I've heard that the endorphin rush can be intense.
Anyways, I went out for Indian food today with a lovely new friend I met on OK cupid. She just moved here with her quad from Cali and we had a great conversation about a full range of topics. It was one of those nice, flowing, non-awkward get togethers that just works. We've only emailed a couple times so we are virtually strangers with tons of undiscovered information to share. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more.
And she's kinky.
Subtly dropped into the conversation as she talked about the local munch she'd be attending that evening and about her part time slave back in Cali. We didn't get into details but I had suspected she was. I'm telling you, I only ever meet poly/kinky people on OKCupid. I really like their setup over there.
At some point I might go to a munch with her and her family. It's been a while for me and would be nice to hang with kinky folks again in a real time setting. I always have concern about the drama element, but I suppose it's present everywhere and one just has to deal with it. I know Daddy would like me to get out in the community more and try to find someone to scratch the itch locally, and so would I to a certain extent. On the other hand, I've had so many crappy, emotionally/mentally devoid play partners, or have just been uninterested in the kinky guys I've met locally.
At one time I was even quite social and dating frequently. I met lots of guys on various personals or websites and a few ended up in my bed or pissing on me or doing other dirty things, but on the whole they just have been lacking. It makes me feel rather meh about the whole situation, though I know that there's other people out there who I'd be more compatible with.
I'm just really really OVER the emotionless, NSA sexual get togethers. I understand the appeal. I've enjoyed them in the past. But I don't like to have to compartmentalize myself, especially not with people I'm fucking. I'm totally ok with having friends that I fuck. In fact, that's what I want. I generally have strong feelings and love towards my friends with no ill repercussions, so why do I have to strip it out of my sexual relations? I don't need a romantic relationship with them, but I also don't want to have to be so guarded and aloof. I can do that just fine thanks. ;)
Anyways, we'll see what will happen. I would certainly prefer if Daddy would just be able to come over and fuck me, but he's far away and his cock just isn't that long. I'd be scared if it were, come to think of it.
--------
Despite having a good day and week all in all, I haven't been feeling very well. My tummy's been hella grumpy again. I probably ate something that pissed it off. I'll have to look at my food journal and try to figure out what it was. So irritating.
I went into Planned Parenthood this past Wednesday for my yearly and to get some STI tests done. Now my arm looks like someone hit me with a hammer. I got blood tests, and despite warning the phlebotomist that I have tiny squirrelly veins she managed to collapse it. At least the blood came out. It's been a while since I got blood work done and the needle really didn't hurt much at all.
So I'm thinking that trying out needles for play might be interesting. I've never had anyone into doing them before, but Daddy is for sure.
Well there was one guy that I went on ONE date with and he got drunk and was driving. That was the last time I saw him. He kept talking about this chick he tied up and stuck needles in her tits as he was polishing off his 4th beer in that hour. Yeah. Creepy.
I've actually been considering needle play for a couple years now. I figure I can always tap out if it's too much, but seriously, how bad is it? Anyone want to share? I've heard that the endorphin rush can be intense.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
One day on Fetlife
Sometimes it's better just to blog.
A reply I just didn't feel like posting to Arizonan's comments.
In this "lifestyle" we are all playing fast and loose with words anyways. Summing people up in one word that you can label them with would be convenient, but is pretty ineffective.
We take words and make them sorta kinda fit whatever it is that we like or dislike, or what our lives/dynamics are like. But the real "getting to know people" comes when you talk and find out what makes them tick.
No one here is legally property, but we can certainly identify as that in our dynamic. I think people started migrating towards the term because slave was such a loaded one. It carries a lot of perceptions and misconceptions and expectations and baggage that are irritating to those who do things their own way.
For another example, your girl and I could both consider ourselves wives and yet live very very different lives.
Does the difference in how we are wives mean that one of us isn't really a wife at all? Does it mean that "wife" doesn't mean anything at all? Newp.
I could say "I am so & so's wife." Does that really tell you anything about me whatsoever? I might not even be legally wed. I could be in a "common law" marriage. We could be polygamous. After a bit of conversation, you might be able to figure out what it all means to me, but not just from one word. It might take some time and effort. You might find that your expectations and perceptions about marriage are totally non-applicable. You might find that those expectations, baggage, perceptions and misconceptions need to be discarded in future conversations with people because they apply less and less to the people you meet.
I think it's much better to dismiss those types of things, than people and how they identify and how they live. So cling to your words if you must. I will adapt to my environment and the people who inhabit it.
English is a fabulous language but it is not a simple one. It's constantly evolving and changing. Dialects and colloquialisms & slang abounds. Do you drink soda, pop, fizzy drink or coke? Do you sit on the sofa, chesterfield, loveseat, couch, setee or divan? Check out the urban dictionary sometime and see what words/phrases are developing/getting new meanings every day.
The language we speak now would be almost unrecognizable for Shakespeare or Chaucer. Shakespeare himself was constantly making up new words or defining them differently.
A reply I just didn't feel like posting to Arizonan's comments.
In this "lifestyle" we are all playing fast and loose with words anyways. Summing people up in one word that you can label them with would be convenient, but is pretty ineffective.
We take words and make them sorta kinda fit whatever it is that we like or dislike, or what our lives/dynamics are like. But the real "getting to know people" comes when you talk and find out what makes them tick.
No one here is legally property, but we can certainly identify as that in our dynamic. I think people started migrating towards the term because slave was such a loaded one. It carries a lot of perceptions and misconceptions and expectations and baggage that are irritating to those who do things their own way.
For another example, your girl and I could both consider ourselves wives and yet live very very different lives.
Does the difference in how we are wives mean that one of us isn't really a wife at all? Does it mean that "wife" doesn't mean anything at all? Newp.
I could say "I am so & so's wife." Does that really tell you anything about me whatsoever? I might not even be legally wed. I could be in a "common law" marriage. We could be polygamous. After a bit of conversation, you might be able to figure out what it all means to me, but not just from one word. It might take some time and effort. You might find that your expectations and perceptions about marriage are totally non-applicable. You might find that those expectations, baggage, perceptions and misconceptions need to be discarded in future conversations with people because they apply less and less to the people you meet.
I think it's much better to dismiss those types of things, than people and how they identify and how they live. So cling to your words if you must. I will adapt to my environment and the people who inhabit it.
English is a fabulous language but it is not a simple one. It's constantly evolving and changing. Dialects and colloquialisms & slang abounds. Do you drink soda, pop, fizzy drink or coke? Do you sit on the sofa, chesterfield, loveseat, couch, setee or divan? Check out the urban dictionary sometime and see what words/phrases are developing/getting new meanings every day.
The language we speak now would be almost unrecognizable for Shakespeare or Chaucer. Shakespeare himself was constantly making up new words or defining them differently.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Can a leopard change it's spots?
In answer to a thread about the ability to "learn" to be dominant.
I absolutely think that people can change, develop new desires, have recessive personality traits come forward. As humans, I believe we all have the ability to submit or dominate in various degrees, in all facets of our life. Certainly, where we fall on that particular scale changes depending on the circumstances, who we are interacting with and such.
I know lots of folks will say, "I am dominant at work, but a slave at home, but my social life and my sexual identity are separate". I don't agree. I think we are just reacting to the situation in the appropriate manner for us. Even at work we might be more of a "switch" in that regard, having to obey the directives of a superior, and direct those who are in our charge. We are fluid creatures. We can do both, be both.
Some, who start in a menial position, with no real desire or need to be in charge, find that they are really good at it when put in that position. The potential was there in waiting, but they didn't even realize it since the situation wasn't right for it.
This same "change" can often be seen in parents who may start as nurturers, but then also develop authoritarian personalities in regards to their offspring in order to guide and shape them.
I see the same potential for fluidity in our pair bondings. While usually I'm most fulfilled, satisfied, and happy in a subservient role to my owner, at times certain women will bring out the predator in me. It's not every woman, or even every submissive woman, or even every submissive woman I find hot. It's very specific to certain women that I have a particular chemistry with. When that happens, it's a fun and delicious thing. But, if the circumstances are not right, it's just not going to happen.
So yes, I can see a previously vanilla husband/bf having their dominant side sparked by the right situation. But it's not always going to happen. It depends on the chemistry of the people involved and learning what behaviors and such will bring out those recessive traits.
Far too many submissive women think that Dominance should be easy. And it is, if you don't have to deal with the thoughts, feelings, health, mental stability, external stressors, family responsibilities of those you are dominating and just existed inside a bubble.
I have no direct experience other than what I related, but I was once friends with a couple who I've since lost contact with.
They were married, and when I met them, she was his slave and he was a rather sadistic and controlling owner. He had determined, when they met as a "vanilla" couple, that he was looking for an owner for himself, so rather than search for one, he found someone to train to be his Mistress. They signed a contract for a year with him as Master. When that year ended, she became owner, and was, in every way from what they both told me.
They had a very intense relationship, and frankly, I wouldn't have expected the switch to work as well as it did, but it DID. It may be because they were both psychologists, I don't know. I know that they weren't playing at anything. From what she said, she had never had either submissive or dominant fantasies prior to meeting him but was willing to go along with what he wanted. I have to say, also, that after the switch there was no waffling or topping from the bottom that I could see. The power transfer was absolute. It was fascinating.
I absolutely think that people can change, develop new desires, have recessive personality traits come forward. As humans, I believe we all have the ability to submit or dominate in various degrees, in all facets of our life. Certainly, where we fall on that particular scale changes depending on the circumstances, who we are interacting with and such.
I know lots of folks will say, "I am dominant at work, but a slave at home, but my social life and my sexual identity are separate". I don't agree. I think we are just reacting to the situation in the appropriate manner for us. Even at work we might be more of a "switch" in that regard, having to obey the directives of a superior, and direct those who are in our charge. We are fluid creatures. We can do both, be both.
Some, who start in a menial position, with no real desire or need to be in charge, find that they are really good at it when put in that position. The potential was there in waiting, but they didn't even realize it since the situation wasn't right for it.
This same "change" can often be seen in parents who may start as nurturers, but then also develop authoritarian personalities in regards to their offspring in order to guide and shape them.
I see the same potential for fluidity in our pair bondings. While usually I'm most fulfilled, satisfied, and happy in a subservient role to my owner, at times certain women will bring out the predator in me. It's not every woman, or even every submissive woman, or even every submissive woman I find hot. It's very specific to certain women that I have a particular chemistry with. When that happens, it's a fun and delicious thing. But, if the circumstances are not right, it's just not going to happen.
So yes, I can see a previously vanilla husband/bf having their dominant side sparked by the right situation. But it's not always going to happen. It depends on the chemistry of the people involved and learning what behaviors and such will bring out those recessive traits.
Far too many submissive women think that Dominance should be easy. And it is, if you don't have to deal with the thoughts, feelings, health, mental stability, external stressors, family responsibilities of those you are dominating and just existed inside a bubble.
I have no direct experience other than what I related, but I was once friends with a couple who I've since lost contact with.
They were married, and when I met them, she was his slave and he was a rather sadistic and controlling owner. He had determined, when they met as a "vanilla" couple, that he was looking for an owner for himself, so rather than search for one, he found someone to train to be his Mistress. They signed a contract for a year with him as Master. When that year ended, she became owner, and was, in every way from what they both told me.
They had a very intense relationship, and frankly, I wouldn't have expected the switch to work as well as it did, but it DID. It may be because they were both psychologists, I don't know. I know that they weren't playing at anything. From what she said, she had never had either submissive or dominant fantasies prior to meeting him but was willing to go along with what he wanted. I have to say, also, that after the switch there was no waffling or topping from the bottom that I could see. The power transfer was absolute. It was fascinating.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Poly vs Swinging
Inspired by Master JB's post on this topic.
I have long identified as Poly, but started questioning myself when I associated with other poly people and heard the various definitions for the plethora of ways you can be open to more than one. After a while, I decided that definitions and labels were way too limiting for me in yet another realm.
As a complex human, I can happily pair bond with another person. I can do the typical falling in love, head over heels, googly eyed for them. At the same time, I could be open to having a casual sexual affair with someone without them, or with them. I could casually date other people, and possibly fall in love with them. I could screw with no thought for anything but a night with one or more partners.
In the monogamy world, no one questions a person's ability to BE monogamous just because they are casually dating and/or screwing a few people. They are just "shopping around" for their mate. It confused me that it was looked down on in the poly community. "That's just swinging", it's said.
Also, depending on who I'm involved with, the boundaries and potential can change. Add on a layer of kink and control, and things can get even more confusing.
So I suppose I will change my label to lovingly non-monogamous. I can love, I can lust, I can be committed and loyal, I can be casual and a free spirit. I can do all these things at the same time.
So, for me, I think the label is less important than figuring out, with whoever you're involved with, just what things sound good or scary or yucky and such to you. With that said, though, there's always the potential that something comes along that you weren't expecting, weren't looking for, but turns into a deliciously cozy fit for everyone.
So it's good to talk talk talk it out, but merely saying "I'm poly" and expecting any other person to define it the same way you do is unlikely. Discuss what flavors you like. What scenarios are appealing. And always care for what you already have.
I have long identified as Poly, but started questioning myself when I associated with other poly people and heard the various definitions for the plethora of ways you can be open to more than one. After a while, I decided that definitions and labels were way too limiting for me in yet another realm.
As a complex human, I can happily pair bond with another person. I can do the typical falling in love, head over heels, googly eyed for them. At the same time, I could be open to having a casual sexual affair with someone without them, or with them. I could casually date other people, and possibly fall in love with them. I could screw with no thought for anything but a night with one or more partners.
In the monogamy world, no one questions a person's ability to BE monogamous just because they are casually dating and/or screwing a few people. They are just "shopping around" for their mate. It confused me that it was looked down on in the poly community. "That's just swinging", it's said.
Also, depending on who I'm involved with, the boundaries and potential can change. Add on a layer of kink and control, and things can get even more confusing.
So I suppose I will change my label to lovingly non-monogamous. I can love, I can lust, I can be committed and loyal, I can be casual and a free spirit. I can do all these things at the same time.
So, for me, I think the label is less important than figuring out, with whoever you're involved with, just what things sound good or scary or yucky and such to you. With that said, though, there's always the potential that something comes along that you weren't expecting, weren't looking for, but turns into a deliciously cozy fit for everyone.
So it's good to talk talk talk it out, but merely saying "I'm poly" and expecting any other person to define it the same way you do is unlikely. Discuss what flavors you like. What scenarios are appealing. And always care for what you already have.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Do you act like a slave?
A question about "acting like a slave" over on fetlife got me thinking.
I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at then? Protocols? Cliche slave behaviors?
I'm rather jaded about them. I've seen plenty of submissives and slaves go through the motions with no real meaning behind them. Especially in public. I think they can be important, though, especially in long term relationships.
In particular, I think it's important that they be enforced by both parties. I know that I found myself going into autopilot after several years. Things we both considered important at one time went by the wayside, and it wasn't too long before we started having no overt signs of being in a power dynamic whatsoever. He had final say, but everything else was gone.
I know some folks find that sort of comfortableness just fine. I don't. For me there's a certain amount of vigilance that I put into my relationship now that I didn't realize a need for previously. So I suppose those behaviors are what you're asking about? It's not so much screaming "slave" as being an internal notification that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's often subtle, and probably rarely observed outside the relationship.
I feel part of my job is to empower him through actions, words and deeds. So, following through on his orders, maintaining a respectful tone, deferring to him during discussions, letting him see / know my vulnerabilities, sharing intimate thoughts that he might find interesting and amusing, following whatever protocols/rituals/routines that he lays out for me as best I can, asking for correction when I start drifting. That stuff, to me, is the important stuff. These things that I often struggle with.
The more I work to empower him, the more often he's likely to use that power and control and allow me to feel his dominance. It's a symbiotic sort of thing.
I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at then? Protocols? Cliche slave behaviors?
I'm rather jaded about them. I've seen plenty of submissives and slaves go through the motions with no real meaning behind them. Especially in public. I think they can be important, though, especially in long term relationships.
In particular, I think it's important that they be enforced by both parties. I know that I found myself going into autopilot after several years. Things we both considered important at one time went by the wayside, and it wasn't too long before we started having no overt signs of being in a power dynamic whatsoever. He had final say, but everything else was gone.
I know some folks find that sort of comfortableness just fine. I don't. For me there's a certain amount of vigilance that I put into my relationship now that I didn't realize a need for previously. So I suppose those behaviors are what you're asking about? It's not so much screaming "slave" as being an internal notification that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's often subtle, and probably rarely observed outside the relationship.
I feel part of my job is to empower him through actions, words and deeds. So, following through on his orders, maintaining a respectful tone, deferring to him during discussions, letting him see / know my vulnerabilities, sharing intimate thoughts that he might find interesting and amusing, following whatever protocols/rituals/routines that he lays out for me as best I can, asking for correction when I start drifting. That stuff, to me, is the important stuff. These things that I often struggle with.
The more I work to empower him, the more often he's likely to use that power and control and allow me to feel his dominance. It's a symbiotic sort of thing.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Slave/Sub Training Article
I wrote the following article about 11 years ago when I was first in a live-in 24/7 M/s relationship. There were issues with my fellow slave and I wrote down some structural ideas that I thought might assist my very novice owner. I thought about it again today and thought it might be useful to re-post.
I'm not going to include the link to the original article as I wish to keep this blog mostly anonymous.
I'm not going to include the link to the original article as I wish to keep this blog mostly anonymous.
Slave/Sub Training
The following are my ideas for conducting a live-in D/s relationship. If you have a part time non-live in relationship, certain suggestions wont be applicable to you, but take what you will. If you have a Master/slave or TPE or 24/7 relationship, feel free to expand these ideas to suit your particular style.
This is just a guideline, and is not set in stone at all. On the contrary, it is important for each dominant to modify it to their satisfaction, or, scrap it entirely and use only their own ideas.
Remember: Safe, Sane and Consensual!
1. Have him/her write down thoughts, feelings, ideas about submission and answer certain questions such as:
· what is a submissive?
· what does being submissive mean to me?
· what are my expectations of myself in this role?
· what qualities must I have in order to be a good submissive?
· why do I want to be a submissive?
· what is a dominant?
· how should my dominant treat me?
· what things do I want to have included in my D/s relationship?
· what are my limits?
· what are my desires for this relationship?
· what do I feel are punishments that will teach me to be a better submissive?
*When you assign this task, set a time limit of a week to have it completed. If she/he refuses to complete this task or doesn’t have a good excuse for it not being finished, halt discussions about D/s. When she/he complies, tell them you are pleased, then punish them for refusing to the first time or for having it done late. Explain that you will not tolerate refusals or tardiness in tasks, especially if they are not difficult and you have permitted adequate time to do it. If you wish, choose a punishment from their list or pick one you feel is suitable. Ie. Sitting in the corner, physical labour
2. Discuss what she/he has written. Have the sub make notes, or record it. Talk about the different aspects of submission and dominance, what you will decide as equals, and what you will decide as partners in a power exchange. Talk about limits and punishments. What things are you comfortable with? What things are you not comfortable with? Talk about expectations. Inform the sub that within the guidelines of your D/s relationship
3. Assign duties.
· Try to have a general list made up. Make it as fair as possible without compromising your dominance.
· She/he will have a schedule to follow, and will be expected to follow it unless there are unusual circumstances. Set a bedtime if you wish.
· She/he should be expected to clean up after themselves always! A dominant should never be responsible for cleaning up his sub’s messes.
· Daily chores should be completed before leisure time is granted. Have the sub ask before starting any leisure activity.
· Assign exercise. Ie. Going for a 15 minute walk
· Assign kneeling positions to do daily ie. Gorean positions. Have the sub assume and hold each position in your presence daily. Make up interesting ones of your own. Ie. Revealing or humiliating postures.
· Assign a journal. Specify a certain amount to be completed each night. Ie. Ten lines. The sub may write feelings, thoughts, ideas, requests, fantasies, desires in the journal, but never demands or whining. Complaints may be written if done in a respectful, non-blaming manner.
· If the sub says they can’t think of anything to write about, ask them a question which you wish them to answer in their journal, or, offer to assign physical labour instead.
· Listen to the sub’s requests and make positive changes where you see fit. Also, when reading the journal, make notes and, if there are good ideas, discuss them, then alter your schedule accordingly. Do not give into demands or whining!
4. Try to spend a certain amount of time each day
5. Rules: discuss rules
· asking to eat
· asking to have leisure time
· asking to go out
· asking to have friends in
· certain modes of dress or how you expect her to present herself to you
· wearing a collar or symbolic representation of her/his submission.
· completing her journal daily
· behaviour in public- dress, respect to others, respect to serving staff, deference to dominant, asking to eat, heeling, posture, tone.
· taking positions
· honesty
· respect
· deference
· taking care of health
· asking to spend money
6. Assign "me time" to the sub. During this time she/he should take a relaxing bath, meditate, read, masturbate and enjoy her/his own company. This is best done just before writing in the journal.
7. Leisure time: after chores are completed only. Discuss what are acceptable forms of leisure activities. Try to emphasise the benefits of constructive activities like playing with children, reading, keeping a private journal of thoughts
8. Scene time: Explain to the sub that scene time will be at your discretion. You will not tolerate demands or whining. The sub also gets a certain amount of scene time daily when they do their positions for you. The sub may always make requests in their journal for certain activities if that is important to them, however, a pushy submissive rarely has their dominant’s pleasure in mind. Selfishness will not be tolerated in a sub.
9. Punishments: to be discussed by you and your partner, examples are
· sitting in the corner in your presence
· sitting in the corner in another room
· kneeling for certain periods of time in uncomfortable/embarrassing positions
· being restrained in awkward/embarrassing positions
· restrictions of privileges
· denial of release
· harsher schedule
· physical labor
· earlier bed time
· pain
· corporal punishment
· exercise
· favorite foods, going out to dinner, being permitted to hire a babysitter and prepare a romantic dinner.
· sex
· acting out a specific scene or fantasy taken from journals
· having a date
· spending a certain amount of money on themselves
· quality time with dominant
· more "me time"
· more "leisure time"
· no chores for a day
· a present
· staying up late
· a massage
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