Poly vs Swinging

Inspired by Master JB's post on this topic.

I have long identified as Poly, but started questioning myself when I associated with other poly people and heard the various definitions for the plethora of ways you can be open to more than one. After a while, I decided that definitions and labels were way too limiting for me in yet another realm.

As a complex human, I can happily pair bond with another person. I can do the typical falling in love, head over heels, googly eyed for them. At the same time, I could be open to having a casual sexual affair with someone without them, or with them. I could casually date other people, and possibly fall in love with them. I could screw with no thought for anything but a night with one or more partners.

In the monogamy world, no one questions a person's ability to BE monogamous just because they are casually dating and/or screwing a few people. They are just "shopping around" for their mate. It confused me that it was looked down on in the poly community. "That's just swinging", it's said.

Also, depending on who I'm involved with, the boundaries and potential can change. Add on a layer of kink and control, and things can get even more confusing.

So I suppose I will change my label to lovingly non-monogamous. I can love, I can lust, I can be committed and loyal, I can be casual and a free spirit. I can do all these things at the same time.

So, for me, I think the label is less important than figuring out, with whoever you're involved with, just what things sound good or scary or yucky and such to you. With that said, though, there's always the potential that something comes along that you weren't expecting, weren't looking for, but turns into a deliciously cozy fit for everyone.

So it's good to talk talk talk it out, but merely saying "I'm poly" and expecting any other person to define it the same way you do is unlikely. Discuss what flavors you like. What scenarios are appealing. And always care for what you already have.

Do you act like a slave?

A question about "acting like a slave" over on fetlife got me thinking.

I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at then? Protocols? Cliche slave behaviors?

I'm rather jaded about them. I've seen plenty of submissives and slaves go through the motions with no real meaning behind them. Especially in public. I think they can be important, though, especially in long term relationships.

In particular, I think it's important that they be enforced by both parties. I know that I found myself going into autopilot after several years. Things we both considered important at one time went by the wayside, and it wasn't too long before we started having no overt signs of being in a power dynamic whatsoever. He had final say, but everything else was gone.

I know some folks find that sort of comfortableness just fine. I don't. For me there's a certain amount of vigilance that I put into my relationship now that I didn't realize a need for previously. So I suppose those behaviors are what you're asking about? It's not so much screaming "slave" as being an internal notification that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's often subtle, and probably rarely observed outside the relationship.

I feel part of my job is to empower him through actions, words and deeds. So, following through on his orders, maintaining a respectful tone, deferring to him during discussions, letting him see / know my vulnerabilities, sharing intimate thoughts that he might find interesting and amusing, following whatever protocols/rituals/routines that he lays out for me as best I can, asking for correction when I start drifting. That stuff, to me, is the important stuff. These things that I often struggle with.

The more I work to empower him, the more often he's likely to use that power and control and allow me to feel his dominance. It's a symbiotic sort of thing.

Slave/Sub Training Article

I wrote the following article about 11 years ago when I was first in a live-in 24/7 M/s relationship. There were issues with my fellow slave and I wrote down some structural ideas that I thought might assist my very novice owner. I thought about it again today and thought it might be useful to re-post.

I'm not going to include the link to the original article as I wish to keep this blog mostly anonymous.

Slave/Sub Training

The following are my ideas for conducting a live-in D/s relationship. If you have a part time non-live in relationship, certain suggestions wont be applicable to you, but take what you will. If you have a Master/slave or TPE or 24/7 relationship, feel free to expand these ideas to suit your particular style.

This is just a guideline, and is not set in stone at all. On the contrary, it is important for each dominant to modify it to their satisfaction, or, scrap it entirely and use only their own ideas.

Remember: Safe, Sane and Consensual!

1. Have him/her write down thoughts, feelings, ideas about submission and answer certain questions such as:
· what is a submissive?
· what does being submissive mean to me?
· what are my expectations of myself in this role?
· what qualities must I have in order to be a good submissive?
· why do I want to be a submissive?
· what is a dominant?
· how should my dominant treat me?
· what things do I want to have included in my D/s relationship?
· what are my limits?
· what are my desires for this relationship?
· what do I feel are punishments that will teach me to be a better submissive?
*When you assign this task, set a time limit of a week to have it completed. If she/he refuses to complete this task or doesn’t have a good excuse for it not being finished, halt discussions about D/s. When she/he complies, tell them you are pleased, then punish them for refusing to the first time or for having it done late. Explain that you will not tolerate refusals or tardiness in tasks, especially if they are not difficult and you have permitted adequate time to do it. If you wish, choose a punishment from their list or pick one you feel is suitable. Ie. Sitting in the corner, physical labour , kneeling in uncomfortable positions, or sleeping on the floor . If a refusal is met with on the punishment, ask if the sub is serious about a D/s relationship. If she/he is not, there is no point continuing.

2. Discuss what she/he has written. Have the sub make notes, or record it. Talk about the different aspects of submission and dominance, what you will decide as equals, and what you will decide as partners in a power exchange. Talk about limits and punishments. What things are you comfortable with? What things are you not comfortable with? Talk about expectations. Inform the sub that within the guidelines of your D/s relationship , you will listen to requests, opinions and advice, but your decision will be final. There will be no whining, sulking or yelling. You will not answer to demands, ever. If the sub cannot handle this, she needs to re-evaluate her desire to be your submissive. This includes in the bedroom, if it is included in your domain as a dominant. It is very important to write down everything that has been decided to ensure there is no confusion!

3. Assign duties.
· Try to have a general list made up. Make it as fair as possible without compromising your dominance.
· She/he will have a schedule to follow, and will be expected to follow it unless there are unusual circumstances. Set a bedtime if you wish.
· She/he should be expected to clean up after themselves always! A dominant should never be responsible for cleaning up his sub’s messes.
· Daily chores should be completed before leisure time is granted. Have the sub ask before starting any leisure activity.
· Assign exercise. Ie. Going for a 15 minute walk .
· Assign kneeling positions to do daily ie. Gorean positions. Have the sub assume and hold each position in your presence daily. Make up interesting ones of your own. Ie. Revealing or humiliating postures.
· Assign a journal. Specify a certain amount to be completed each night. Ie. Ten lines. The sub may write feelings, thoughts, ideas, requests, fantasies, desires in the journal, but never demands or whining. Complaints may be written if done in a respectful, non-blaming manner.
· If the sub says they can’t think of anything to write about, ask them a question which you wish them to answer in their journal, or, offer to assign physical labour instead.
· Listen to the sub’s requests and make positive changes where you see fit. Also, when reading the journal, make notes and, if there are good ideas, discuss them, then alter your schedule accordingly. Do not give into demands or whining!

4. Try to spend a certain amount of time each day to discuss the journal. If that is impossible, try to respond to or discuss the entries that you find important
5. Rules: discuss rules examples below
· asking to eat
· asking to have leisure time
· asking to go out
· asking to have friends in
· certain modes of dress or how you expect her to present herself to you
· wearing a collar or symbolic representation of her/his submission.
· completing her journal daily
· behaviour in public- dress, respect to others, respect to serving staff, deference to dominant, asking to eat, heeling, posture, tone.
· taking positions
· honesty
· respect
· deference
· taking care of health
· asking to spend money

6. Assign "me time" to the sub. During this time she/he should take a relaxing bath, meditate, read, masturbate and enjoy her/his own company. This is best done just before writing in the journal.
7. Leisure time: after chores are completed only. Discuss what are acceptable forms of leisure activities. Try to emphasise the benefits of constructive activities like playing with children, reading, keeping a private journal of thoughts , spending time with positive minded friends.
8. Scene time: Explain to the sub that scene time will be at your discretion. You will not tolerate demands or whining. The sub also gets a certain amount of scene time daily when they do their positions for you. The sub may always make requests in their journal for certain activities if that is important to them, however, a pushy submissive rarely has their dominant’s pleasure in mind. Selfishness will not be tolerated in a sub.
9. Punishments: to be discussed by you and your partner, examples are
· sitting in the corner in your presence
· sitting in the corner in another room
· kneeling for certain periods of time in uncomfortable/embarrassing positions
· being restrained in awkward/embarrassing positions
· restrictions of privileges
· denial of release
· harsher schedule
· physical labor
· earlier bed time
· pain
· corporal punishment
· exercise

9. Rewards:
· favorite foods, going out to dinner, being permitted to hire a babysitter and prepare a romantic dinner.
· sex
· acting out a specific scene or fantasy taken from journals
· having a date
· spending a certain amount of money on themselves
· quality time with dominant
· more "me time"
· more "leisure time"
· no chores for a day
· a present
· staying up late
· a massage