It's been quite some time since I wrote in my journal. Seems like just yesterday when I was writing in it everyday religiously. I've been thinking the last few weeks that I needed to get on it and write something, but haven't up till now. I want to try to write at least a bit everyday, but we'll see what happens. :)
I've been inordinately busy this season. Work has been grueling and has kept me from home and in the shop more often than not. I'm anticipating a move sometime in the next few months hopefully. There's a great spot nearby with workshop/retail space up front and a large studio apartment in the back. The apartment needs some work, like a larger sink in the kitchen, more cupboards, a washer/dryer hookup and then the bathroom needs a tub. But, the space is very cool. :)
It's mostly a matter of money and negotiation with the landlord at this point. Calculations wise it should be a bit cheaper to live and heat/electrocize the place, plus I'll be on the ground floor, have my own driveway, and possibly space to put in an urban garden and composter. That's pretty exciting. :)
Anyways, in addition to that, I attended my first munch in god knows how many years (probably 7 or so) with my friend X. We had a great time and met a bunch of fun folks. I was sitting next to a rather troubled lady on my left who was not having a happy night of it. She kind of reminded me of the drama at these things that I try to avoid. At any rate, I didn't let her get me down. X was lots of fun and there was a great many opportunities for laughter.
I met a cute boi (T) there as well who I was hoping to get to talk to more, but she was sitting too far away. That's one thing I don't like at all about these restaurant munches. It's nice to be able to sit and eat and all, but it's harder to socialize with people who aren't immediately around you. Since folks tend to sit with those they know well, it's unlikely they'll be able to make new friends. T and I exchanged numbers and she indicated an interest in coming up to visit my shop and that's how it was left.
T ended up making an appointment, then emailing to cancel it. She was living with the unhappy lady who was sitting beside me at the munch, and 2 other people and had been told to leave. After some consultation with D, I invited her to come and stay with me for a week while she tried to get things sorted and find a spot to live. I believe that was August 11, and she's been living here since.
We've formed a rather close bond which D knows about and has been encouraging of. I'd like to see T built a stable environment for herself first, and then continue her search for a permanent service placement, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. She's very impulsive and really wants to find a permanent place with a Domme.
I wish I could provide that for her, but I don't think it's in me. I like to play with and top her, but ownership is just not in my purview. I also can't afford a dependent. If she wants to stay, she has to at least cover any additional expenses caused by her living here, plus help around the place.
Admittedly, I'm enjoying having her here. She's very sweet and has made me appreciate cuddling a lot more. In fact, I've not been on my computer nearly as often because we are hanging out so much together.
Last weekend, X came over on Saturday to go to a local festival and then have a sleepover. We ended up co-topping T much of the afternoon, night and then the next day. X's style of play suits mine very well, which leans more towards the gleefully sadistic side. There's not oodles of barking order and such, just lots of laughter and poking with sticks. It was good fun. Poor T was reduced to tears on more than one occasion.
She and I had a bit of a debrief the next day and I found out that she hadn't really explored that side before, and was more into sensual domination. She's also been struggling with bratting, which I can relate to. It's been a long time since I've done it, but I think the turning point for me was learning that I can ask for what I want, instead of trying to instigate bad attention all the time. Having someone who is open to real communication, even if the news is bad, is extremely helpful for this. Being respectful and thoughtful helps a bunch too admittedly.
At any rate, I'm hoping to explore my own toppy side more with T this coming weekend. X, T and myself are all headed out for some camping with other kinksters. Since we know practically nobody, it should be very interesting. I'm hoping to make lots of friends in the area, and it would be nice to find a home for T as well. I'm totally torn. I'd love her to stay because I'm enjoying her company a great deal, but I really just hope she stays in the area so we can continue to be friends.
D has also been super busy the past month or so. Lots of family obligations and extremely busy at work. I've been grateful that I've had so much social time so I don't mope so much. It's been really hard still though, because I feel like we don't have the time just to talk about what's been going on day to day. A lot of routines have been put aside because of necessity and not having the time for it and then the presence of T in the home. He and I discussed it though, and will be working to re-institute those again.
I tend to get kind of antsy when I don't have lots of direction from him. It makes me feel adrift and sad. I mean yes, I can function just fine without him telling me what to do, but that is one of many things that bind us together and when it's gone, I miss it a lot. We haven't had much time for him to use me either, and the times that have been available have ended up being missed opportunities. Either because of my health, or his, or interruptions, or whatever. It'll be nice to get some of that back soon.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Smoking
I have been in the process of smoking cessation for over 18 months now. I've had a few people email me to ask about the "plan" I used, so I decided to copy my response to a blog entry in the hopes that it will help others too. I am now down to about 3 or 4 cigarettes a week and sometimes as little as 3-4 / month, depending on the month. My doctor does not consider my smoking to be at a level where it can affect my health, which is just one of the reasons I'm doing it.
So here's the email:
I think we all have those days where we just say "fuck it". I don't think there's anything wrong with it, except when it becomes our constant state of being. I don't have any easy or quick "cures" to smoking, but I'll relate to you what I have done and hope that it helps you too.
The biggest thing for me is that absolutes just make me want to rebel, and once I do, it makes me feel like I failed. Most people say you have to just "quit cold turkey" and never ever have another cigarette again. It's like that would be a magic smoke that would cause us to start back to smoking a pack a day and now have failed completely.
So I eliminated that from my plan. There is no absolutes and no failure. There is no "I quit smoking" there will always be "I'm quitting smoking". For me the difference was subtle, but necessary for my particular psychology.
A bit of background on me. I started smoking at 14 and at this point have smoked more years than I haven't. There's been a few years in between when I had quit "cold turkey" but it always seemed like in those moments of extreme stress, or because my friends/bf/co-workers were smoking, I ended up starting back on it. This happened at various times actually. I'd stop for a while, even a year or two at a time, but then back I'd go, and getting back up to a pack a day was easier and easier.
I realized that for me, as a woman on birth control, I had to stop smoking soon because I was nearing the age where they would refuse to prescribe it because I smoked. I have been told that over the years by doctors. In addition, the nasty taste I woke up to each morning became less and less tolerable, and of course the environment here in the US is not very tolerant of smokers. Visits to non-smoking homes made me realize how gross my own dwelling smelled. On top of all of that, my Daddy didn't want me to smoke either. So we worked up a plan together.
I have certain "rules" about smoking and follow them. This is not BDSM rules, but more of a code of behavior to help quit. I have done the cold turkey route before as I said, and it worked for a while at least, but I always ended up starting up again. Now, since I don't intend to ever fully quit, there's nothing to start up. I don't ever fail because the rules are in place and I just follow them.
The "rules" are flexible because there are no absolutes in this. They are guidelines that can help me, but life will often upset even the best laid plans.
1. Set a limit.
Basically, I can have 1 cigarette a day. That was how I weaned myself off. When I got those inevitable cravings, I could usually stem them off by reassuring myself that I could have a cigarette tomorrow. Or, I would have my one cigarette for the day and satisfy the cravings.
2. Home environment.
I no longer smoke in my home at all. However, I've even made exceptions to that once in a while when I have a smoker friend over and we end up smoking socially.
2. Purchasing.
I don't buy cigarettes. I've broken this one before while going on vacation last year, but for over a year now this has held true. I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to stick to "one a day" until they were gone and then didn't buy more.
3. Friends & Social Smoking.
If I don't buy them, obviously I get them somewhere. I'm allowed to bum them off people, but my own politeness generally keeps me from doing this often. Now when I smoke, it's usually with my business partner and is mostly a social thing so we can connect and touch base and keep communication open.
The key for me, I think, is the lack of absolutes. I don't ever fail at it. I just take it one day at a time. Usually now I don't even have cravings, but on the occasions I do, I am allowed to have one. And even when I'm in the highly triggering situations like being around lots of smokers and drinking, I make a plan before the situation arises and allow myself a certain amount for the weekend/night. Generally, Daddy helps me set the boundaries, but there's no punishment if I go over. I just try very hard not to.
At this point, the day to day stuff isn't hard. The occasional party is more challenging, but generally the after effects of having too many cigarettes the night before helps quell the urge to smoke again for a while. I suppose for me, I'm just unlearning to smoke like I learned to smoke. Gradually and organically. I mean, I definitely did not start off smoking a pack a day. I started off sneaking one or two with friends at school and it was definitely a social activity. I just put it back into that category of occasional social activity like drinking.
This is long and rambling but I hope it helps. :)
So here's the email:
I think we all have those days where we just say "fuck it". I don't think there's anything wrong with it, except when it becomes our constant state of being. I don't have any easy or quick "cures" to smoking, but I'll relate to you what I have done and hope that it helps you too.
The biggest thing for me is that absolutes just make me want to rebel, and once I do, it makes me feel like I failed. Most people say you have to just "quit cold turkey" and never ever have another cigarette again. It's like that would be a magic smoke that would cause us to start back to smoking a pack a day and now have failed completely.
So I eliminated that from my plan. There is no absolutes and no failure. There is no "I quit smoking" there will always be "I'm quitting smoking". For me the difference was subtle, but necessary for my particular psychology.
A bit of background on me. I started smoking at 14 and at this point have smoked more years than I haven't. There's been a few years in between when I had quit "cold turkey" but it always seemed like in those moments of extreme stress, or because my friends/bf/co-workers were smoking, I ended up starting back on it. This happened at various times actually. I'd stop for a while, even a year or two at a time, but then back I'd go, and getting back up to a pack a day was easier and easier.
I realized that for me, as a woman on birth control, I had to stop smoking soon because I was nearing the age where they would refuse to prescribe it because I smoked. I have been told that over the years by doctors. In addition, the nasty taste I woke up to each morning became less and less tolerable, and of course the environment here in the US is not very tolerant of smokers. Visits to non-smoking homes made me realize how gross my own dwelling smelled. On top of all of that, my Daddy didn't want me to smoke either. So we worked up a plan together.
I have certain "rules" about smoking and follow them. This is not BDSM rules, but more of a code of behavior to help quit. I have done the cold turkey route before as I said, and it worked for a while at least, but I always ended up starting up again. Now, since I don't intend to ever fully quit, there's nothing to start up. I don't ever fail because the rules are in place and I just follow them.
The "rules" are flexible because there are no absolutes in this. They are guidelines that can help me, but life will often upset even the best laid plans.
1. Set a limit.
Basically, I can have 1 cigarette a day. That was how I weaned myself off. When I got those inevitable cravings, I could usually stem them off by reassuring myself that I could have a cigarette tomorrow. Or, I would have my one cigarette for the day and satisfy the cravings.
2. Home environment.
I no longer smoke in my home at all. However, I've even made exceptions to that once in a while when I have a smoker friend over and we end up smoking socially.
2. Purchasing.
I don't buy cigarettes. I've broken this one before while going on vacation last year, but for over a year now this has held true. I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to stick to "one a day" until they were gone and then didn't buy more.
3. Friends & Social Smoking.
If I don't buy them, obviously I get them somewhere. I'm allowed to bum them off people, but my own politeness generally keeps me from doing this often. Now when I smoke, it's usually with my business partner and is mostly a social thing so we can connect and touch base and keep communication open.
The key for me, I think, is the lack of absolutes. I don't ever fail at it. I just take it one day at a time. Usually now I don't even have cravings, but on the occasions I do, I am allowed to have one. And even when I'm in the highly triggering situations like being around lots of smokers and drinking, I make a plan before the situation arises and allow myself a certain amount for the weekend/night. Generally, Daddy helps me set the boundaries, but there's no punishment if I go over. I just try very hard not to.
At this point, the day to day stuff isn't hard. The occasional party is more challenging, but generally the after effects of having too many cigarettes the night before helps quell the urge to smoke again for a while. I suppose for me, I'm just unlearning to smoke like I learned to smoke. Gradually and organically. I mean, I definitely did not start off smoking a pack a day. I started off sneaking one or two with friends at school and it was definitely a social activity. I just put it back into that category of occasional social activity like drinking.
This is long and rambling but I hope it helps. :)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Thoughts on the Sub/Slave question
Another fetlife post, but one I wanted to keep since it comes up so often.
I always find the sub/slave discussions rather puzzling myself but there are always the same sorts of viewpoints brought up.
Some people appear to believe that submissives have a certain type of personality in day to day life as well as in their relationship and if you don't have those qualities, you are not a submissive and in fact may be dominant.
L summed up some of these traits when she said, "I am not passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble in any type of way."
I dispute the validity of thinking that those traits are required to be a submissive. In fact, I think only one trait is important, that you submit. Whether forced, coerced, manipulated, or a willing and eager participant, that's all that's really required.
There is no rule about who you submit to, how it happens, where it occurs, why it happens, when, for how long, etc.
For me, and others, I think this is where the confusion comes in because we do see slaves submitting to the rule of their owner, regardless of whether they are happy about it or being forced to do it, they do, in fact, do it.
But, you know, everyone is allowed to self identify, so I just smile and nod if someone claims to be a slave but not "submissive" because they obviously see being submissive as some personality style that they don't identify with.
In fact, if I agreed that being passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble was integral to being "submissive", I would certainly not claim it either, though I can certainly be that way at times, it's generally centered around the person who owns me (or who I have chosen to submit to) and they happen to bring out those traits in me.
In addition, some believe that a dominant personality type consists of bitchiness, rudeness, being blunt, coarse, bossy, pushy, smart-assed, arrogant, stubborn, etc. I disagree again. For me, a dominant personality has to do with personal charisma and charm. The ability to draw attention by presence and not gimmicks or posturing.
I am dominant at my job because I happen to be the owner of the business. I must be in a position of authority, set the tone, rules, structure of the workplace and see to the needs of my employees, with the goal being to wring every last bit of effort and effectiveness out of them while allowing them to function and hopefully be content and satisfied with their work. Wanting them to be happy isn't a sign of my benevolence, it's simply the most efficient way to keep them from stealing, backstabbing, sabotaging, passive aggressive behaviors and quitting.
Dominants have a wide variety of personalities, just as submissives do. Some choose to go with the "asshole dom" persona, others choose more tact and politeness. Is one not really a dom? I don't know. I know that some appeal to me more than others, but those same people I don't care for are just right for someone else.
As for slaves having to be submissive. Well I don't think they are required to have a stereotypical submissive personality as described above, but they are certainly required to submit to their owner. If he is the leader, then they must be the follower I suppose.
I'm not sure how one knows if they are suited for slavery or not. For me it was simply instinctual. I was drawn more and more to absolute authority dynamics. But, the fact is, that compatibility is key. How L sees her slavery is different from how I would see it, or how you might see yours.
I don't consider it to be "All about the owner" and neither does my owner. We look at it as a way we can both be fulfilled and happiness for all involved is what we strive for.
That doesn't mean one of us is right and one is wrong, just that we all find fulfillment in our different ways and finding the person (or people) who are right for us is what makes it work.
It can be quite difficult to move forward after losing an owner. I had a rough transition period after my split with my first owner, but he actually helped me quite a lot in adjusting fortunately. Many are not so lucky because their owner dies suddenly. When you foster the sort of dependence that these relationships do, I think you do need to take into account the risk that entails.
I always find the sub/slave discussions rather puzzling myself but there are always the same sorts of viewpoints brought up.
Some people appear to believe that submissives have a certain type of personality in day to day life as well as in their relationship and if you don't have those qualities, you are not a submissive and in fact may be dominant.
L summed up some of these traits when she said, "I am not passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble in any type of way."
I dispute the validity of thinking that those traits are required to be a submissive. In fact, I think only one trait is important, that you submit. Whether forced, coerced, manipulated, or a willing and eager participant, that's all that's really required.
There is no rule about who you submit to, how it happens, where it occurs, why it happens, when, for how long, etc.
For me, and others, I think this is where the confusion comes in because we do see slaves submitting to the rule of their owner, regardless of whether they are happy about it or being forced to do it, they do, in fact, do it.
But, you know, everyone is allowed to self identify, so I just smile and nod if someone claims to be a slave but not "submissive" because they obviously see being submissive as some personality style that they don't identify with.
In fact, if I agreed that being passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble was integral to being "submissive", I would certainly not claim it either, though I can certainly be that way at times, it's generally centered around the person who owns me (or who I have chosen to submit to) and they happen to bring out those traits in me.
In addition, some believe that a dominant personality type consists of bitchiness, rudeness, being blunt, coarse, bossy, pushy, smart-assed, arrogant, stubborn, etc. I disagree again. For me, a dominant personality has to do with personal charisma and charm. The ability to draw attention by presence and not gimmicks or posturing.
I am dominant at my job because I happen to be the owner of the business. I must be in a position of authority, set the tone, rules, structure of the workplace and see to the needs of my employees, with the goal being to wring every last bit of effort and effectiveness out of them while allowing them to function and hopefully be content and satisfied with their work. Wanting them to be happy isn't a sign of my benevolence, it's simply the most efficient way to keep them from stealing, backstabbing, sabotaging, passive aggressive behaviors and quitting.
Dominants have a wide variety of personalities, just as submissives do. Some choose to go with the "asshole dom" persona, others choose more tact and politeness. Is one not really a dom? I don't know. I know that some appeal to me more than others, but those same people I don't care for are just right for someone else.
As for slaves having to be submissive. Well I don't think they are required to have a stereotypical submissive personality as described above, but they are certainly required to submit to their owner. If he is the leader, then they must be the follower I suppose.
I'm not sure how one knows if they are suited for slavery or not. For me it was simply instinctual. I was drawn more and more to absolute authority dynamics. But, the fact is, that compatibility is key. How L sees her slavery is different from how I would see it, or how you might see yours.
I don't consider it to be "All about the owner" and neither does my owner. We look at it as a way we can both be fulfilled and happiness for all involved is what we strive for.
That doesn't mean one of us is right and one is wrong, just that we all find fulfillment in our different ways and finding the person (or people) who are right for us is what makes it work.
It can be quite difficult to move forward after losing an owner. I had a rough transition period after my split with my first owner, but he actually helped me quite a lot in adjusting fortunately. Many are not so lucky because their owner dies suddenly. When you foster the sort of dependence that these relationships do, I think you do need to take into account the risk that entails.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Social Hour
Gah! I was halfway through a post and totally lost the whole thing when firefox crashed. So annoying!
Anyways, I went out for Indian food today with a lovely new friend I met on OK cupid. She just moved here with her quad from Cali and we had a great conversation about a full range of topics. It was one of those nice, flowing, non-awkward get togethers that just works. We've only emailed a couple times so we are virtually strangers with tons of undiscovered information to share. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more.
And she's kinky.
Subtly dropped into the conversation as she talked about the local munch she'd be attending that evening and about her part time slave back in Cali. We didn't get into details but I had suspected she was. I'm telling you, I only ever meet poly/kinky people on OKCupid. I really like their setup over there.
At some point I might go to a munch with her and her family. It's been a while for me and would be nice to hang with kinky folks again in a real time setting. I always have concern about the drama element, but I suppose it's present everywhere and one just has to deal with it. I know Daddy would like me to get out in the community more and try to find someone to scratch the itch locally, and so would I to a certain extent. On the other hand, I've had so many crappy, emotionally/mentally devoid play partners, or have just been uninterested in the kinky guys I've met locally.
At one time I was even quite social and dating frequently. I met lots of guys on various personals or websites and a few ended up in my bed or pissing on me or doing other dirty things, but on the whole they just have been lacking. It makes me feel rather meh about the whole situation, though I know that there's other people out there who I'd be more compatible with.
I'm just really really OVER the emotionless, NSA sexual get togethers. I understand the appeal. I've enjoyed them in the past. But I don't like to have to compartmentalize myself, especially not with people I'm fucking. I'm totally ok with having friends that I fuck. In fact, that's what I want. I generally have strong feelings and love towards my friends with no ill repercussions, so why do I have to strip it out of my sexual relations? I don't need a romantic relationship with them, but I also don't want to have to be so guarded and aloof. I can do that just fine thanks. ;)
Anyways, we'll see what will happen. I would certainly prefer if Daddy would just be able to come over and fuck me, but he's far away and his cock just isn't that long. I'd be scared if it were, come to think of it.
--------
Despite having a good day and week all in all, I haven't been feeling very well. My tummy's been hella grumpy again. I probably ate something that pissed it off. I'll have to look at my food journal and try to figure out what it was. So irritating.
I went into Planned Parenthood this past Wednesday for my yearly and to get some STI tests done. Now my arm looks like someone hit me with a hammer. I got blood tests, and despite warning the phlebotomist that I have tiny squirrelly veins she managed to collapse it. At least the blood came out. It's been a while since I got blood work done and the needle really didn't hurt much at all.
So I'm thinking that trying out needles for play might be interesting. I've never had anyone into doing them before, but Daddy is for sure.
Well there was one guy that I went on ONE date with and he got drunk and was driving. That was the last time I saw him. He kept talking about this chick he tied up and stuck needles in her tits as he was polishing off his 4th beer in that hour. Yeah. Creepy.
I've actually been considering needle play for a couple years now. I figure I can always tap out if it's too much, but seriously, how bad is it? Anyone want to share? I've heard that the endorphin rush can be intense.
Anyways, I went out for Indian food today with a lovely new friend I met on OK cupid. She just moved here with her quad from Cali and we had a great conversation about a full range of topics. It was one of those nice, flowing, non-awkward get togethers that just works. We've only emailed a couple times so we are virtually strangers with tons of undiscovered information to share. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more.
And she's kinky.
Subtly dropped into the conversation as she talked about the local munch she'd be attending that evening and about her part time slave back in Cali. We didn't get into details but I had suspected she was. I'm telling you, I only ever meet poly/kinky people on OKCupid. I really like their setup over there.
At some point I might go to a munch with her and her family. It's been a while for me and would be nice to hang with kinky folks again in a real time setting. I always have concern about the drama element, but I suppose it's present everywhere and one just has to deal with it. I know Daddy would like me to get out in the community more and try to find someone to scratch the itch locally, and so would I to a certain extent. On the other hand, I've had so many crappy, emotionally/mentally devoid play partners, or have just been uninterested in the kinky guys I've met locally.
At one time I was even quite social and dating frequently. I met lots of guys on various personals or websites and a few ended up in my bed or pissing on me or doing other dirty things, but on the whole they just have been lacking. It makes me feel rather meh about the whole situation, though I know that there's other people out there who I'd be more compatible with.
I'm just really really OVER the emotionless, NSA sexual get togethers. I understand the appeal. I've enjoyed them in the past. But I don't like to have to compartmentalize myself, especially not with people I'm fucking. I'm totally ok with having friends that I fuck. In fact, that's what I want. I generally have strong feelings and love towards my friends with no ill repercussions, so why do I have to strip it out of my sexual relations? I don't need a romantic relationship with them, but I also don't want to have to be so guarded and aloof. I can do that just fine thanks. ;)
Anyways, we'll see what will happen. I would certainly prefer if Daddy would just be able to come over and fuck me, but he's far away and his cock just isn't that long. I'd be scared if it were, come to think of it.
--------
Despite having a good day and week all in all, I haven't been feeling very well. My tummy's been hella grumpy again. I probably ate something that pissed it off. I'll have to look at my food journal and try to figure out what it was. So irritating.
I went into Planned Parenthood this past Wednesday for my yearly and to get some STI tests done. Now my arm looks like someone hit me with a hammer. I got blood tests, and despite warning the phlebotomist that I have tiny squirrelly veins she managed to collapse it. At least the blood came out. It's been a while since I got blood work done and the needle really didn't hurt much at all.
So I'm thinking that trying out needles for play might be interesting. I've never had anyone into doing them before, but Daddy is for sure.
Well there was one guy that I went on ONE date with and he got drunk and was driving. That was the last time I saw him. He kept talking about this chick he tied up and stuck needles in her tits as he was polishing off his 4th beer in that hour. Yeah. Creepy.
I've actually been considering needle play for a couple years now. I figure I can always tap out if it's too much, but seriously, how bad is it? Anyone want to share? I've heard that the endorphin rush can be intense.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Rudeness & Disobedience
More fetlife stuff.
Question was: How do I (as a submissive) stop being rude, argumentative and disobedient?
I think it's mostly a matter of practice, time and conscious effort.
Pause before you react or speak and process what he's saying and then respond in as thoughtful a manner as you can manage. Remember that he has feelings too and is also new. He's going to have to practice his dominance and the better the response he gets from you, the more likely he will to do it more.
It's a symbiotic thing.If you make his life miserable when he asks you for something simple, you will train him to ask for nothing. That might be a good reason to work on this behavior right there.
As Lucky Albatross has also advised before, think up 5 things that really pushes your buttons. Things that are simple, require little to no set up, and makes you feel all that submissive yummyness. Write it down and give it to him. It could be things he says, things he does, a particular gesture, whatever. Basically, a cheat sheet.
Many submissives want their dominants to "just do it" but they honestly cannot read your mind. There is nothing wrong with making requests. He can then choose what he will do with it and it might humble you a bit to feel the emotions surrounding that.Many D/s relationships have no punishment component whatsoever. You should talk to your dominant about what, if any, he would like to incorporate.
While it can feel yummy to have rules, the more rules there are, the more he will have to enforce them or you will just break them, so it's probably best to keep them to a minimum.
My Daddy's philosophy is that spanking is for good girls & fun. There is no reward of attention for crappy behavior on my part, so I definitely try to keep it to a minimum.
Communication & transparency are super important, but it can be difficult if you have trust issues (is he going to use it against me, is he going to laugh at me, will he accept me, etc) to open up. It puts you in a vulnerable position. That can be a valuable place to be in and it certainly can feel very submissive. So perhaps explore some of that. Tell him some of your worries or fears, some fantasies you are excited/scared by, and lots of positive feedback for him (it was so hot when you did or I love it when you do ).
Just some thoughts. I hope they are of assistance.
Question was: How do I (as a submissive) stop being rude, argumentative and disobedient?
I think it's mostly a matter of practice, time and conscious effort.
Pause before you react or speak and process what he's saying and then respond in as thoughtful a manner as you can manage. Remember that he has feelings too and is also new. He's going to have to practice his dominance and the better the response he gets from you, the more likely he will to do it more.
It's a symbiotic thing.If you make his life miserable when he asks you for something simple, you will train him to ask for nothing. That might be a good reason to work on this behavior right there.
As Lucky Albatross has also advised before, think up 5 things that really pushes your buttons. Things that are simple, require little to no set up, and makes you feel all that submissive yummyness. Write it down and give it to him. It could be things he says, things he does, a particular gesture, whatever. Basically, a cheat sheet.
Many submissives want their dominants to "just do it" but they honestly cannot read your mind. There is nothing wrong with making requests. He can then choose what he will do with it and it might humble you a bit to feel the emotions surrounding that.Many D/s relationships have no punishment component whatsoever. You should talk to your dominant about what, if any, he would like to incorporate.
While it can feel yummy to have rules, the more rules there are, the more he will have to enforce them or you will just break them, so it's probably best to keep them to a minimum.
My Daddy's philosophy is that spanking is for good girls & fun. There is no reward of attention for crappy behavior on my part, so I definitely try to keep it to a minimum.
Communication & transparency are super important, but it can be difficult if you have trust issues (is he going to use it against me, is he going to laugh at me, will he accept me, etc) to open up. It puts you in a vulnerable position. That can be a valuable place to be in and it certainly can feel very submissive. So perhaps explore some of that. Tell him some of your worries or fears, some fantasies you are excited/scared by, and lots of positive feedback for him (it was so hot when you did or I love it when you do ).
Just some thoughts. I hope they are of assistance.
One day on Fetlife
Sometimes it's better just to blog.
A reply I just didn't feel like posting to Arizonan's comments.
In this "lifestyle" we are all playing fast and loose with words anyways. Summing people up in one word that you can label them with would be convenient, but is pretty ineffective.
We take words and make them sorta kinda fit whatever it is that we like or dislike, or what our lives/dynamics are like. But the real "getting to know people" comes when you talk and find out what makes them tick.
No one here is legally property, but we can certainly identify as that in our dynamic. I think people started migrating towards the term because slave was such a loaded one. It carries a lot of perceptions and misconceptions and expectations and baggage that are irritating to those who do things their own way.
For another example, your girl and I could both consider ourselves wives and yet live very very different lives.
Does the difference in how we are wives mean that one of us isn't really a wife at all? Does it mean that "wife" doesn't mean anything at all? Newp.
I could say "I am so & so's wife." Does that really tell you anything about me whatsoever? I might not even be legally wed. I could be in a "common law" marriage. We could be polygamous. After a bit of conversation, you might be able to figure out what it all means to me, but not just from one word. It might take some time and effort. You might find that your expectations and perceptions about marriage are totally non-applicable. You might find that those expectations, baggage, perceptions and misconceptions need to be discarded in future conversations with people because they apply less and less to the people you meet.
I think it's much better to dismiss those types of things, than people and how they identify and how they live. So cling to your words if you must. I will adapt to my environment and the people who inhabit it.
English is a fabulous language but it is not a simple one. It's constantly evolving and changing. Dialects and colloquialisms & slang abounds. Do you drink soda, pop, fizzy drink or coke? Do you sit on the sofa, chesterfield, loveseat, couch, setee or divan? Check out the urban dictionary sometime and see what words/phrases are developing/getting new meanings every day.
The language we speak now would be almost unrecognizable for Shakespeare or Chaucer. Shakespeare himself was constantly making up new words or defining them differently.
A reply I just didn't feel like posting to Arizonan's comments.
In this "lifestyle" we are all playing fast and loose with words anyways. Summing people up in one word that you can label them with would be convenient, but is pretty ineffective.
We take words and make them sorta kinda fit whatever it is that we like or dislike, or what our lives/dynamics are like. But the real "getting to know people" comes when you talk and find out what makes them tick.
No one here is legally property, but we can certainly identify as that in our dynamic. I think people started migrating towards the term because slave was such a loaded one. It carries a lot of perceptions and misconceptions and expectations and baggage that are irritating to those who do things their own way.
For another example, your girl and I could both consider ourselves wives and yet live very very different lives.
Does the difference in how we are wives mean that one of us isn't really a wife at all? Does it mean that "wife" doesn't mean anything at all? Newp.
I could say "I am so & so's wife." Does that really tell you anything about me whatsoever? I might not even be legally wed. I could be in a "common law" marriage. We could be polygamous. After a bit of conversation, you might be able to figure out what it all means to me, but not just from one word. It might take some time and effort. You might find that your expectations and perceptions about marriage are totally non-applicable. You might find that those expectations, baggage, perceptions and misconceptions need to be discarded in future conversations with people because they apply less and less to the people you meet.
I think it's much better to dismiss those types of things, than people and how they identify and how they live. So cling to your words if you must. I will adapt to my environment and the people who inhabit it.
English is a fabulous language but it is not a simple one. It's constantly evolving and changing. Dialects and colloquialisms & slang abounds. Do you drink soda, pop, fizzy drink or coke? Do you sit on the sofa, chesterfield, loveseat, couch, setee or divan? Check out the urban dictionary sometime and see what words/phrases are developing/getting new meanings every day.
The language we speak now would be almost unrecognizable for Shakespeare or Chaucer. Shakespeare himself was constantly making up new words or defining them differently.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Nomz
Wow.. what a day! My pitas turned out awesome even though I substituted whole wheat flour. They've got perfect little pockets just all excited and ready to be stuffed! The gyro burgers were good too. The taste was pretty close to a restaurant gyro after it was coated in tzatziki which set up perfectly and was as yummy as could be.
Then there was the hummus, which is a multi-pepper, spice and fresh basil mix. Delish with the pita. Just a perfect day of cooking. Not one thing turned out horrible and my kitchen isn't even too bad.
And the pie, with splenda instead of sugar, was just marvelous. I couldn't taste the difference between it and a sugar pie. I really liked the tang of the apple cider vinegar in there too.
I'm pretty beat now though, and stuffed to the gills with Greek goodness. I didn't get laundry done, but I still might do it today, or save it for tomorrow, which will be a work at home day.
In addition to domesticity, I've also been playing my game, Ikariam, for the final weekend before I set myself on vacation. I've been getting attacked repeatedly in my little towns, which is fine, but it's making the game more high maintenance than I have time for right now. In addition, I've got a friend on the game who whines constantly when he gets attacked and guilts me into helping him. It's very annoying, so I'm hoping to get a break from that too. He's being a tag a long and is also putting his account on vacation when I do. Did I mention he's a 40 year old Marine? I mean, grow up already. And stop whining! It's a fucking game.
He's got me on yahoo too, and for a while I pondered hooking up with him with Daddy's approval. Then I saw his pic and got my shallow face on. And then he started bleating like a lost fucking lamb every two seconds and any sort of attraction is completely gone. Bah!
Anyways, I was hoping for a big battle this weekend to really have a lot of fun and all was quiet until this morning and then shit went down, and I seriously kicked some ass. Against two players with huge military forces. Just took down their navy too. They've been itching for a fight for a couple weeks now. Nice guys about it though.
I like being a friendly player. Making friends with the enemy and keeping the battles to contests instead of pissing matches. It does feel good to win though. A special present to me that is well deserved I think. One of them emailed me to congratulate me and said he hasn't been that excited on the game in quite some time. It will take him a while to recover from his brutal ass raping courtesy of moi. And I didn't use any lube neither.
Speaking of lube, I need to buy more. I'm almost out of the bottle of Wet I have and have permission to buy more. I'll need a water based lube replacement, but I'd like to try something new, and perhaps a silicone lube as well, though I won't be able to use that with my silicone toys of course. Any suggestions?
Then there was the hummus, which is a multi-pepper, spice and fresh basil mix. Delish with the pita. Just a perfect day of cooking. Not one thing turned out horrible and my kitchen isn't even too bad.
And the pie, with splenda instead of sugar, was just marvelous. I couldn't taste the difference between it and a sugar pie. I really liked the tang of the apple cider vinegar in there too.
I'm pretty beat now though, and stuffed to the gills with Greek goodness. I didn't get laundry done, but I still might do it today, or save it for tomorrow, which will be a work at home day.
In addition to domesticity, I've also been playing my game, Ikariam, for the final weekend before I set myself on vacation. I've been getting attacked repeatedly in my little towns, which is fine, but it's making the game more high maintenance than I have time for right now. In addition, I've got a friend on the game who whines constantly when he gets attacked and guilts me into helping him. It's very annoying, so I'm hoping to get a break from that too. He's being a tag a long and is also putting his account on vacation when I do. Did I mention he's a 40 year old Marine? I mean, grow up already. And stop whining! It's a fucking game.
He's got me on yahoo too, and for a while I pondered hooking up with him with Daddy's approval. Then I saw his pic and got my shallow face on. And then he started bleating like a lost fucking lamb every two seconds and any sort of attraction is completely gone. Bah!
Anyways, I was hoping for a big battle this weekend to really have a lot of fun and all was quiet until this morning and then shit went down, and I seriously kicked some ass. Against two players with huge military forces. Just took down their navy too. They've been itching for a fight for a couple weeks now. Nice guys about it though.
I like being a friendly player. Making friends with the enemy and keeping the battles to contests instead of pissing matches. It does feel good to win though. A special present to me that is well deserved I think. One of them emailed me to congratulate me and said he hasn't been that excited on the game in quite some time. It will take him a while to recover from his brutal ass raping courtesy of moi. And I didn't use any lube neither.
Speaking of lube, I need to buy more. I'm almost out of the bottle of Wet I have and have permission to buy more. I'll need a water based lube replacement, but I'd like to try something new, and perhaps a silicone lube as well, though I won't be able to use that with my silicone toys of course. Any suggestions?
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