It turns out baby kitty is not a baby after all, she's an 8-10 year old female kitty who appears to not have a spay scar nor any signs of having been pregnant ever. Her spay scar may just be really old. We'll see if she goes into heat or not. And.. she has a name, Melody. I may end up changing it as her personality comes out, but for now, that is her name because she likes to sing (purr) to me.
Melody is doing pretty well. I did take her in to the local rescue for a check up and to sign her up for their foster program, but she was rejected. :( She's too old and sickly for them to put an effort into. I understand, there are healthier, younger pets who have a better chance of being homed.
Anyways, she's living with me for now, and perhaps forever depending on how my boys take to her. Morris is no problem, but Simple is a bully, so we'll see how it works out. I took her to another vet who was able to check her out and prescribe some meds to get her upper respiratory infection cleared up along with dewormer and earmites. The folks at the shelter "accidentally" gave her flea meds, so now that problem is also taken care of.
I'm working on getting her symptom free so I can start introductions with the boys. But.. if someone is looking for a pet cat, perhaps for themselves or an elderly relative as a companion/lap cat, I am looking for a home for her still. She's a sweet girl with a black face, a little white spot on her chest, an auburn tail and brown legs. She's not patchy like a calico. Her fur blends seamlessly from one color to the next.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tell it to your Mama
I'm so over toxic people who bring drama into my life. Goodbye and stay away.
No, I'm not leaving Fetlife nor am I particularly angry or flouncing or anything. I just had to come to the realization for myself that there are some folks that I can't be friends with. They are bad for me and I end up not liking who I am around them.
I also realize that I am doing something to attract this sort of person into my life. I am, despite some appearances, rather a compassionate person, sometimes to my own detriment. Usually, it is absolutely the right thing to help someone out, especially a friend, if they need you. But I need to be better at spotting who I *shouldn't* help.
My safety, stability and happiness does have to take priority over that of a stranger. It's an old lesson from my teen years that I seem to have forgotten lately. But, I don't like that "me" either. Being crusty and having up walls up all the time to keep other people out is not the right thing for me either.
So where is the middle ground where I'm better at vetting those who need, deserve and appreciate the help rather than those who will take and take and take and then drag my name through the mud when I say enough is enough?
I don't want to be the closed off creature from yesteryear, but I also don't want to be a moron and get myself taken advantage by the lusers (loser + user) of this world. I know my friends usually have a better eye than I do. I probably should rely on them more when it comes to this. D warned me that I could be bringing drama into my house this last time around, but supported me trying to help someone out. I suppose the risk of drama doesn't seem that bothersome until I'm embroiled in it.
It seems my extremist personality is rearing it's head again. I joke that it's my Libra self trying to balance things out through being one way or another, but rarely moderate. So I guess in this situation I find myself either very compassionate or very cynical. Perhaps that is the blend that attracts drama queens to it.
No, I'm not leaving Fetlife nor am I particularly angry or flouncing or anything. I just had to come to the realization for myself that there are some folks that I can't be friends with. They are bad for me and I end up not liking who I am around them.
I also realize that I am doing something to attract this sort of person into my life. I am, despite some appearances, rather a compassionate person, sometimes to my own detriment. Usually, it is absolutely the right thing to help someone out, especially a friend, if they need you. But I need to be better at spotting who I *shouldn't* help.
My safety, stability and happiness does have to take priority over that of a stranger. It's an old lesson from my teen years that I seem to have forgotten lately. But, I don't like that "me" either. Being crusty and having up walls up all the time to keep other people out is not the right thing for me either.
So where is the middle ground where I'm better at vetting those who need, deserve and appreciate the help rather than those who will take and take and take and then drag my name through the mud when I say enough is enough?
I don't want to be the closed off creature from yesteryear, but I also don't want to be a moron and get myself taken advantage by the lusers (loser + user) of this world. I know my friends usually have a better eye than I do. I probably should rely on them more when it comes to this. D warned me that I could be bringing drama into my house this last time around, but supported me trying to help someone out. I suppose the risk of drama doesn't seem that bothersome until I'm embroiled in it.
It seems my extremist personality is rearing it's head again. I joke that it's my Libra self trying to balance things out through being one way or another, but rarely moderate. So I guess in this situation I find myself either very compassionate or very cynical. Perhaps that is the blend that attracts drama queens to it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Kitten news
So baby kitty is doing well. I've moved her into the itty bitty bathroom because she was having litter box issues. As soon as she was confined to a smaller space with vinyl flooring, she adapted immediately to the litter box. There have been no accidents at all, so I think she was perhaps just too nervous in the larger room to use the box properly.
Kitty also has fleas, and I don't just mean 1 or 2, but a whole flea circus. As she's not ok with me picking her up and I don't even want to contemplate giving her a bath, I've been flea combing and washing her with a cloth. Fleas are gross.
I still need a name for her. I got her into a foster program at a local shelter. For $20 they will vet check, test and treat illnesses and diseases and I'll give her a place to live and take her in for adoption days. Her first appointment is on Tuesday and I'd like her to have a name by then. Any suggestions?
Kitty also has fleas, and I don't just mean 1 or 2, but a whole flea circus. As she's not ok with me picking her up and I don't even want to contemplate giving her a bath, I've been flea combing and washing her with a cloth. Fleas are gross.
I still need a name for her. I got her into a foster program at a local shelter. For $20 they will vet check, test and treat illnesses and diseases and I'll give her a place to live and take her in for adoption days. Her first appointment is on Tuesday and I'd like her to have a name by then. Any suggestions?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Birthday and Saturn Return
So Friday was my 34th birthday. Yay me! I know a lot of folks have nothing but angst at their birthday, but I don't. I really just enjoy it more and more every year. Friday wasn't a super exciting day, I had to work after all, but that night my friend X and I went to a local munch with plans to go to the Ren Faire the next day.
Faire was awesome. The weather was perfect and I had 4 of my favorite people come with me for a fabulous girls day of drunkenness and debauchery. Way too fun. I also got a bit drunk, but apparently I was a happy drunk. :D
One of my new traditions is to get a tarot reading by my friend R every year after my birthday and do a bit of a check-in for the year. There was lots of good stuff and some stuff to learn in there, but the most interesting was the concept of "Saturn Return" and the fact that I had missed mine. R explained it as a sort of "diploma" of what you've learned in that part of your life. For the lazy, here's the Wiki Entry.
Apparently, I didn't learn my lesson on something the first time around. Go figure.
Another part of my tarot was the fact I haven't been journaling lately and that I really ought to do so. So here I am trying to work on that particular part. Besides, I miss it sometimes. The reason I was so happy to start journalling in the first place was because I could go back later and read old entries. Hopefully, in an attempt to see where I've been, what I've done, and what I've learned. Learning stuff is good.
S snuck 3 bottles of wine in as my present. She asked me what I'd want to drink and I told her wine, cheap, white and plentiful. She delivered. ;)
She picked wine with awesome names too. One was Mad Housewife, Royal Bitch and hmm.. I can't remember the last one. Probably because I drank it already. ;)
After an absolutely amazing day hanging with my girls, we headed out to my favorite sushi bar on the planet (OK, so I've never been to Japan, but still! so good!) with my girls and a couple other friends who wanted to treat me to my favorite meal. I was all filled up on raw fishies and good times and headed home to snuggle up with kitties.
On the relationship front, Daddy and I have continued to be insanely busy the past few months. It's been rough but we finally got time today to have some sexeh time. It was much needed by both of us frankly. I'm managed to keep plenty busy, but I still miss him even then. At least I'm not pining. That's progress, right?
T, the stray puppy I took in, has moved on to another home. No, she's not actually a puppy, just as messy, excited, annoying, attention seeking and destructive as one. She's also gifted at telling me I'm doing it wrong. Fortunately, I think she's with a person she can get along with well and I really hope it works out for her. I have my key back.
So there's been a stray cat at the shop for the past week. She got into the basement somehow and won't leave. Anyways, I finally caught her today, which the new scars on my arms will attest to. She's very sweet, but filthy and possibly diseased. I was planning to take her to a shelter, but because of all the folks losing their jobs and homes, the shelters are too full to take her. I could pay $25 and have her killed at the humane society, which they would do as she's unadoptable in this state, but I couldn't just let it go. So I called my ex, L, who I've managed to turn into the crazy cat man over the years we were together. I told him about her and asked him if he could help with her vet bills so I could try to give her a home. I live on a super tight budget and spaying and vetting a new kitty is just not on it, sadly.
On that note, if a new kitty (or doggy) IS on yours, please please please go adopt one? And for the love of christ (or your diety/grandmother of choice) get all your pets spayed/neutered. While I'm on the soap box, treat your animals with love, respect and care. New kitty has obviously been abused by someone. She was someone's pet and they threw her away. Now she's feral and almost died. She was drinking nasty water in the basement before we started giving her food and water. It breaks my heart.
So now I have a new kitty, at least for now. I'm not sure if I will be able to just foster her and hope for someone to want to own her or not, or if I will have to keep her. She'll let me pet her a bit, so she's not completely wild, but she's very shy, nervous and hopeful all in one. Now I need to come up with a name. Suggestions are welcome.
At this moment, kitty is snuggled up in her new room, food, shelter, fresh water, a litter box (god I hope she uses it!) and a VERY full tummy. Happily she loves the premium cat food I bought that Mo and Simple sneer at.
Speaking of rooms, the room was so nasty after T left that I had to clean it before I'd let the cat live in there. You know, the stray cat that's filthy herself? Yeah. Gross. There was food all over the floor. Chips, ramen noodles, dog food, cereal. And I'm not talking about a few crumbs. I'm talking about having to use a broom on the carpet before I could use a vacuum because it would get clogged otherwise.
So I don't have good thoughts about "roommates" right now, especially those who aren't actual roommates who pay their own way, but those who are virtually homeless who take advantage of my hospitality and then are totally ungrateful and leave me a mess to clean up. I need to learn to be less sympathetic apparently. *sigh*
And yes, I'm aware of the irony of getting rid of one stray and taking in another. Do I ever.
Faire was awesome. The weather was perfect and I had 4 of my favorite people come with me for a fabulous girls day of drunkenness and debauchery. Way too fun. I also got a bit drunk, but apparently I was a happy drunk. :D
One of my new traditions is to get a tarot reading by my friend R every year after my birthday and do a bit of a check-in for the year. There was lots of good stuff and some stuff to learn in there, but the most interesting was the concept of "Saturn Return" and the fact that I had missed mine. R explained it as a sort of "diploma" of what you've learned in that part of your life. For the lazy, here's the Wiki Entry.
Apparently, I didn't learn my lesson on something the first time around. Go figure.
Another part of my tarot was the fact I haven't been journaling lately and that I really ought to do so. So here I am trying to work on that particular part. Besides, I miss it sometimes. The reason I was so happy to start journalling in the first place was because I could go back later and read old entries. Hopefully, in an attempt to see where I've been, what I've done, and what I've learned. Learning stuff is good.
S snuck 3 bottles of wine in as my present. She asked me what I'd want to drink and I told her wine, cheap, white and plentiful. She delivered. ;)
She picked wine with awesome names too. One was Mad Housewife, Royal Bitch and hmm.. I can't remember the last one. Probably because I drank it already. ;)
After an absolutely amazing day hanging with my girls, we headed out to my favorite sushi bar on the planet (OK, so I've never been to Japan, but still! so good!) with my girls and a couple other friends who wanted to treat me to my favorite meal. I was all filled up on raw fishies and good times and headed home to snuggle up with kitties.
On the relationship front, Daddy and I have continued to be insanely busy the past few months. It's been rough but we finally got time today to have some sexeh time. It was much needed by both of us frankly. I'm managed to keep plenty busy, but I still miss him even then. At least I'm not pining. That's progress, right?
T, the stray puppy I took in, has moved on to another home. No, she's not actually a puppy, just as messy, excited, annoying, attention seeking and destructive as one. She's also gifted at telling me I'm doing it wrong. Fortunately, I think she's with a person she can get along with well and I really hope it works out for her. I have my key back.
So there's been a stray cat at the shop for the past week. She got into the basement somehow and won't leave. Anyways, I finally caught her today, which the new scars on my arms will attest to. She's very sweet, but filthy and possibly diseased. I was planning to take her to a shelter, but because of all the folks losing their jobs and homes, the shelters are too full to take her. I could pay $25 and have her killed at the humane society, which they would do as she's unadoptable in this state, but I couldn't just let it go. So I called my ex, L, who I've managed to turn into the crazy cat man over the years we were together. I told him about her and asked him if he could help with her vet bills so I could try to give her a home. I live on a super tight budget and spaying and vetting a new kitty is just not on it, sadly.
On that note, if a new kitty (or doggy) IS on yours, please please please go adopt one? And for the love of christ (or your diety/grandmother of choice) get all your pets spayed/neutered. While I'm on the soap box, treat your animals with love, respect and care. New kitty has obviously been abused by someone. She was someone's pet and they threw her away. Now she's feral and almost died. She was drinking nasty water in the basement before we started giving her food and water. It breaks my heart.
So now I have a new kitty, at least for now. I'm not sure if I will be able to just foster her and hope for someone to want to own her or not, or if I will have to keep her. She'll let me pet her a bit, so she's not completely wild, but she's very shy, nervous and hopeful all in one. Now I need to come up with a name. Suggestions are welcome.
At this moment, kitty is snuggled up in her new room, food, shelter, fresh water, a litter box (god I hope she uses it!) and a VERY full tummy. Happily she loves the premium cat food I bought that Mo and Simple sneer at.
Speaking of rooms, the room was so nasty after T left that I had to clean it before I'd let the cat live in there. You know, the stray cat that's filthy herself? Yeah. Gross. There was food all over the floor. Chips, ramen noodles, dog food, cereal. And I'm not talking about a few crumbs. I'm talking about having to use a broom on the carpet before I could use a vacuum because it would get clogged otherwise.
So I don't have good thoughts about "roommates" right now, especially those who aren't actual roommates who pay their own way, but those who are virtually homeless who take advantage of my hospitality and then are totally ungrateful and leave me a mess to clean up. I need to learn to be less sympathetic apparently. *sigh*
And yes, I'm aware of the irony of getting rid of one stray and taking in another. Do I ever.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Camping and IBS
Oh, don't be afraid. IBS stands for Irritating Boi Syndrome and refers to T. X, T and I went camping this past weekend with a large group of kinky folks, most of whom we didn't know.
We were all excited about making new friends and perhaps playing a bit if the mood was right. I had a good time because that's how I roll, but there were plenty of hiccups along the way.
Starting off, I had gotten off work early at 2 pm and was hoping to be all packed up and ready to leave the apartment at 4 or 5 at the very latest. We had an hour drive, then an hour for settling our stuff in, and then relaxing with cold beer by a hot campfire by 8pm was my vision of bliss for the evening.
Well flush that down the tubes, cuz that shit didn't happen at all. I left T home to try to organize some stuff and she hurt her back cleaning out her car, so by the time I got home, there was plenty left to be done - mostly by me - while she whined and complained and criticized my every move. I almost flat out said to forget it, except that X was waiting for us and it wasn't fair to just bail on her.
We also had to go shopping for an air mattress. We found lots of them, but not the one that I actually wanted, which was the Coleman 4 in 1. So I opted out of air mattresses. I don't have money to toss away on an air mattress with limited uses.
Anywho, when all was said and done, I was showered, but sweaty, and we were all bundled in the car no later than 8 pm. Yup, just about the time I was planning on relaxing with a nice cold beer.
So then it rained. Hard. For most of the drive to the campsite. Upon arrival, the tent and contents were pretty wet. I tried to get a bed set up for us and stash our stuff, but truly, we had too much shit for the tent size. I can't wait til X has all her camping gear out of storage. Tiny tents with 3 people and over packing is ridiculous.
After that, it was social time and hanging with new people. There were lots of cool folks to meet and chill with. T was unfortunately in a very clingy and annoying space in her brain. Or perhaps I was just bitchy. Who knows, but the entire weekend I fluctuated pretty heavily between enjoying her company and being highly irritated. Not exactly how I expected to feel at all.
It's been like that pretty much since the campout. I didn't play at all the entire weekend. I just didn't feel like it. Feeling like a crabby old bitch isn't really conducive to playing. In addition, T got drunk on Saturday and then was hanging on me like the clingiest girlfriend on the planet. She kept trying to drag me back to the tent and was, frankly, a fucking buzz kill. I regretted bringing her along. I was not relaxing whatsoever, just being tense and grumpy most of the time. I'm still frustrated about it.
And here's the thing. I know she likes me and I do like her. I don't think she's deliberately trying to piss me off. But I feel like the only peace I get is when I isolate away from her. Like most people, my home is my sanctuary away from daily stresses and it's not like that for me anymore.
It is not that she's a bad person or that I want her out. I'm currently on the rag and that's always a bad time for me. In addition, T's presence appears to have triggered my period (or at least spotting) early, and I've been bleeding since Monday of last week. By this point, I'm probably iron deficient and I *know* I'm intensely hormonal.
Can I whine some more? Why not right? It's my blog and I can whine if I want to. I prefer to think I'm just venting, and I certainly need to or my head will falled off.
On a positive note, I made a number of lovely new friends and contacts at the camp out. I actually enjoyed the camping bit this time around, and even used the camp showers and everything. I think some ants were eating me while I slept, because I have some bites on my ankles, but all in all, it was great.
I also saw a couple of fun scenes and play. I don't think I'm much of a voyeur though. It's interesting, but I just don't find it exciting or arousing. Meh. Maybe I'm just jaded and bitchy. Yeah. That seems most likely.
We were all excited about making new friends and perhaps playing a bit if the mood was right. I had a good time because that's how I roll, but there were plenty of hiccups along the way.
Starting off, I had gotten off work early at 2 pm and was hoping to be all packed up and ready to leave the apartment at 4 or 5 at the very latest. We had an hour drive, then an hour for settling our stuff in, and then relaxing with cold beer by a hot campfire by 8pm was my vision of bliss for the evening.
Well flush that down the tubes, cuz that shit didn't happen at all. I left T home to try to organize some stuff and she hurt her back cleaning out her car, so by the time I got home, there was plenty left to be done - mostly by me - while she whined and complained and criticized my every move. I almost flat out said to forget it, except that X was waiting for us and it wasn't fair to just bail on her.
We also had to go shopping for an air mattress. We found lots of them, but not the one that I actually wanted, which was the Coleman 4 in 1. So I opted out of air mattresses. I don't have money to toss away on an air mattress with limited uses.
Anywho, when all was said and done, I was showered, but sweaty, and we were all bundled in the car no later than 8 pm. Yup, just about the time I was planning on relaxing with a nice cold beer.
So then it rained. Hard. For most of the drive to the campsite. Upon arrival, the tent and contents were pretty wet. I tried to get a bed set up for us and stash our stuff, but truly, we had too much shit for the tent size. I can't wait til X has all her camping gear out of storage. Tiny tents with 3 people and over packing is ridiculous.
After that, it was social time and hanging with new people. There were lots of cool folks to meet and chill with. T was unfortunately in a very clingy and annoying space in her brain. Or perhaps I was just bitchy. Who knows, but the entire weekend I fluctuated pretty heavily between enjoying her company and being highly irritated. Not exactly how I expected to feel at all.
It's been like that pretty much since the campout. I didn't play at all the entire weekend. I just didn't feel like it. Feeling like a crabby old bitch isn't really conducive to playing. In addition, T got drunk on Saturday and then was hanging on me like the clingiest girlfriend on the planet. She kept trying to drag me back to the tent and was, frankly, a fucking buzz kill. I regretted bringing her along. I was not relaxing whatsoever, just being tense and grumpy most of the time. I'm still frustrated about it.
And here's the thing. I know she likes me and I do like her. I don't think she's deliberately trying to piss me off. But I feel like the only peace I get is when I isolate away from her. Like most people, my home is my sanctuary away from daily stresses and it's not like that for me anymore.
It is not that she's a bad person or that I want her out. I'm currently on the rag and that's always a bad time for me. In addition, T's presence appears to have triggered my period (or at least spotting) early, and I've been bleeding since Monday of last week. By this point, I'm probably iron deficient and I *know* I'm intensely hormonal.
Can I whine some more? Why not right? It's my blog and I can whine if I want to. I prefer to think I'm just venting, and I certainly need to or my head will falled off.
On a positive note, I made a number of lovely new friends and contacts at the camp out. I actually enjoyed the camping bit this time around, and even used the camp showers and everything. I think some ants were eating me while I slept, because I have some bites on my ankles, but all in all, it was great.
I also saw a couple of fun scenes and play. I don't think I'm much of a voyeur though. It's interesting, but I just don't find it exciting or arousing. Meh. Maybe I'm just jaded and bitchy. Yeah. That seems most likely.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Taking in Strays
It's been quite some time since I wrote in my journal. Seems like just yesterday when I was writing in it everyday religiously. I've been thinking the last few weeks that I needed to get on it and write something, but haven't up till now. I want to try to write at least a bit everyday, but we'll see what happens. :)
I've been inordinately busy this season. Work has been grueling and has kept me from home and in the shop more often than not. I'm anticipating a move sometime in the next few months hopefully. There's a great spot nearby with workshop/retail space up front and a large studio apartment in the back. The apartment needs some work, like a larger sink in the kitchen, more cupboards, a washer/dryer hookup and then the bathroom needs a tub. But, the space is very cool. :)
It's mostly a matter of money and negotiation with the landlord at this point. Calculations wise it should be a bit cheaper to live and heat/electrocize the place, plus I'll be on the ground floor, have my own driveway, and possibly space to put in an urban garden and composter. That's pretty exciting. :)
Anyways, in addition to that, I attended my first munch in god knows how many years (probably 7 or so) with my friend X. We had a great time and met a bunch of fun folks. I was sitting next to a rather troubled lady on my left who was not having a happy night of it. She kind of reminded me of the drama at these things that I try to avoid. At any rate, I didn't let her get me down. X was lots of fun and there was a great many opportunities for laughter.
I met a cute boi (T) there as well who I was hoping to get to talk to more, but she was sitting too far away. That's one thing I don't like at all about these restaurant munches. It's nice to be able to sit and eat and all, but it's harder to socialize with people who aren't immediately around you. Since folks tend to sit with those they know well, it's unlikely they'll be able to make new friends. T and I exchanged numbers and she indicated an interest in coming up to visit my shop and that's how it was left.
T ended up making an appointment, then emailing to cancel it. She was living with the unhappy lady who was sitting beside me at the munch, and 2 other people and had been told to leave. After some consultation with D, I invited her to come and stay with me for a week while she tried to get things sorted and find a spot to live. I believe that was August 11, and she's been living here since.
We've formed a rather close bond which D knows about and has been encouraging of. I'd like to see T built a stable environment for herself first, and then continue her search for a permanent service placement, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. She's very impulsive and really wants to find a permanent place with a Domme.
I wish I could provide that for her, but I don't think it's in me. I like to play with and top her, but ownership is just not in my purview. I also can't afford a dependent. If she wants to stay, she has to at least cover any additional expenses caused by her living here, plus help around the place.
Admittedly, I'm enjoying having her here. She's very sweet and has made me appreciate cuddling a lot more. In fact, I've not been on my computer nearly as often because we are hanging out so much together.
Last weekend, X came over on Saturday to go to a local festival and then have a sleepover. We ended up co-topping T much of the afternoon, night and then the next day. X's style of play suits mine very well, which leans more towards the gleefully sadistic side. There's not oodles of barking order and such, just lots of laughter and poking with sticks. It was good fun. Poor T was reduced to tears on more than one occasion.
She and I had a bit of a debrief the next day and I found out that she hadn't really explored that side before, and was more into sensual domination. She's also been struggling with bratting, which I can relate to. It's been a long time since I've done it, but I think the turning point for me was learning that I can ask for what I want, instead of trying to instigate bad attention all the time. Having someone who is open to real communication, even if the news is bad, is extremely helpful for this. Being respectful and thoughtful helps a bunch too admittedly.
At any rate, I'm hoping to explore my own toppy side more with T this coming weekend. X, T and myself are all headed out for some camping with other kinksters. Since we know practically nobody, it should be very interesting. I'm hoping to make lots of friends in the area, and it would be nice to find a home for T as well. I'm totally torn. I'd love her to stay because I'm enjoying her company a great deal, but I really just hope she stays in the area so we can continue to be friends.
D has also been super busy the past month or so. Lots of family obligations and extremely busy at work. I've been grateful that I've had so much social time so I don't mope so much. It's been really hard still though, because I feel like we don't have the time just to talk about what's been going on day to day. A lot of routines have been put aside because of necessity and not having the time for it and then the presence of T in the home. He and I discussed it though, and will be working to re-institute those again.
I tend to get kind of antsy when I don't have lots of direction from him. It makes me feel adrift and sad. I mean yes, I can function just fine without him telling me what to do, but that is one of many things that bind us together and when it's gone, I miss it a lot. We haven't had much time for him to use me either, and the times that have been available have ended up being missed opportunities. Either because of my health, or his, or interruptions, or whatever. It'll be nice to get some of that back soon.
I've been inordinately busy this season. Work has been grueling and has kept me from home and in the shop more often than not. I'm anticipating a move sometime in the next few months hopefully. There's a great spot nearby with workshop/retail space up front and a large studio apartment in the back. The apartment needs some work, like a larger sink in the kitchen, more cupboards, a washer/dryer hookup and then the bathroom needs a tub. But, the space is very cool. :)
It's mostly a matter of money and negotiation with the landlord at this point. Calculations wise it should be a bit cheaper to live and heat/electrocize the place, plus I'll be on the ground floor, have my own driveway, and possibly space to put in an urban garden and composter. That's pretty exciting. :)
Anyways, in addition to that, I attended my first munch in god knows how many years (probably 7 or so) with my friend X. We had a great time and met a bunch of fun folks. I was sitting next to a rather troubled lady on my left who was not having a happy night of it. She kind of reminded me of the drama at these things that I try to avoid. At any rate, I didn't let her get me down. X was lots of fun and there was a great many opportunities for laughter.
I met a cute boi (T) there as well who I was hoping to get to talk to more, but she was sitting too far away. That's one thing I don't like at all about these restaurant munches. It's nice to be able to sit and eat and all, but it's harder to socialize with people who aren't immediately around you. Since folks tend to sit with those they know well, it's unlikely they'll be able to make new friends. T and I exchanged numbers and she indicated an interest in coming up to visit my shop and that's how it was left.
T ended up making an appointment, then emailing to cancel it. She was living with the unhappy lady who was sitting beside me at the munch, and 2 other people and had been told to leave. After some consultation with D, I invited her to come and stay with me for a week while she tried to get things sorted and find a spot to live. I believe that was August 11, and she's been living here since.
We've formed a rather close bond which D knows about and has been encouraging of. I'd like to see T built a stable environment for herself first, and then continue her search for a permanent service placement, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. She's very impulsive and really wants to find a permanent place with a Domme.
I wish I could provide that for her, but I don't think it's in me. I like to play with and top her, but ownership is just not in my purview. I also can't afford a dependent. If she wants to stay, she has to at least cover any additional expenses caused by her living here, plus help around the place.
Admittedly, I'm enjoying having her here. She's very sweet and has made me appreciate cuddling a lot more. In fact, I've not been on my computer nearly as often because we are hanging out so much together.
Last weekend, X came over on Saturday to go to a local festival and then have a sleepover. We ended up co-topping T much of the afternoon, night and then the next day. X's style of play suits mine very well, which leans more towards the gleefully sadistic side. There's not oodles of barking order and such, just lots of laughter and poking with sticks. It was good fun. Poor T was reduced to tears on more than one occasion.
She and I had a bit of a debrief the next day and I found out that she hadn't really explored that side before, and was more into sensual domination. She's also been struggling with bratting, which I can relate to. It's been a long time since I've done it, but I think the turning point for me was learning that I can ask for what I want, instead of trying to instigate bad attention all the time. Having someone who is open to real communication, even if the news is bad, is extremely helpful for this. Being respectful and thoughtful helps a bunch too admittedly.
At any rate, I'm hoping to explore my own toppy side more with T this coming weekend. X, T and myself are all headed out for some camping with other kinksters. Since we know practically nobody, it should be very interesting. I'm hoping to make lots of friends in the area, and it would be nice to find a home for T as well. I'm totally torn. I'd love her to stay because I'm enjoying her company a great deal, but I really just hope she stays in the area so we can continue to be friends.
D has also been super busy the past month or so. Lots of family obligations and extremely busy at work. I've been grateful that I've had so much social time so I don't mope so much. It's been really hard still though, because I feel like we don't have the time just to talk about what's been going on day to day. A lot of routines have been put aside because of necessity and not having the time for it and then the presence of T in the home. He and I discussed it though, and will be working to re-institute those again.
I tend to get kind of antsy when I don't have lots of direction from him. It makes me feel adrift and sad. I mean yes, I can function just fine without him telling me what to do, but that is one of many things that bind us together and when it's gone, I miss it a lot. We haven't had much time for him to use me either, and the times that have been available have ended up being missed opportunities. Either because of my health, or his, or interruptions, or whatever. It'll be nice to get some of that back soon.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Smoking
I have been in the process of smoking cessation for over 18 months now. I've had a few people email me to ask about the "plan" I used, so I decided to copy my response to a blog entry in the hopes that it will help others too. I am now down to about 3 or 4 cigarettes a week and sometimes as little as 3-4 / month, depending on the month. My doctor does not consider my smoking to be at a level where it can affect my health, which is just one of the reasons I'm doing it.
So here's the email:
I think we all have those days where we just say "fuck it". I don't think there's anything wrong with it, except when it becomes our constant state of being. I don't have any easy or quick "cures" to smoking, but I'll relate to you what I have done and hope that it helps you too.
The biggest thing for me is that absolutes just make me want to rebel, and once I do, it makes me feel like I failed. Most people say you have to just "quit cold turkey" and never ever have another cigarette again. It's like that would be a magic smoke that would cause us to start back to smoking a pack a day and now have failed completely.
So I eliminated that from my plan. There is no absolutes and no failure. There is no "I quit smoking" there will always be "I'm quitting smoking". For me the difference was subtle, but necessary for my particular psychology.
A bit of background on me. I started smoking at 14 and at this point have smoked more years than I haven't. There's been a few years in between when I had quit "cold turkey" but it always seemed like in those moments of extreme stress, or because my friends/bf/co-workers were smoking, I ended up starting back on it. This happened at various times actually. I'd stop for a while, even a year or two at a time, but then back I'd go, and getting back up to a pack a day was easier and easier.
I realized that for me, as a woman on birth control, I had to stop smoking soon because I was nearing the age where they would refuse to prescribe it because I smoked. I have been told that over the years by doctors. In addition, the nasty taste I woke up to each morning became less and less tolerable, and of course the environment here in the US is not very tolerant of smokers. Visits to non-smoking homes made me realize how gross my own dwelling smelled. On top of all of that, my Daddy didn't want me to smoke either. So we worked up a plan together.
I have certain "rules" about smoking and follow them. This is not BDSM rules, but more of a code of behavior to help quit. I have done the cold turkey route before as I said, and it worked for a while at least, but I always ended up starting up again. Now, since I don't intend to ever fully quit, there's nothing to start up. I don't ever fail because the rules are in place and I just follow them.
The "rules" are flexible because there are no absolutes in this. They are guidelines that can help me, but life will often upset even the best laid plans.
1. Set a limit.
Basically, I can have 1 cigarette a day. That was how I weaned myself off. When I got those inevitable cravings, I could usually stem them off by reassuring myself that I could have a cigarette tomorrow. Or, I would have my one cigarette for the day and satisfy the cravings.
2. Home environment.
I no longer smoke in my home at all. However, I've even made exceptions to that once in a while when I have a smoker friend over and we end up smoking socially.
2. Purchasing.
I don't buy cigarettes. I've broken this one before while going on vacation last year, but for over a year now this has held true. I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to stick to "one a day" until they were gone and then didn't buy more.
3. Friends & Social Smoking.
If I don't buy them, obviously I get them somewhere. I'm allowed to bum them off people, but my own politeness generally keeps me from doing this often. Now when I smoke, it's usually with my business partner and is mostly a social thing so we can connect and touch base and keep communication open.
The key for me, I think, is the lack of absolutes. I don't ever fail at it. I just take it one day at a time. Usually now I don't even have cravings, but on the occasions I do, I am allowed to have one. And even when I'm in the highly triggering situations like being around lots of smokers and drinking, I make a plan before the situation arises and allow myself a certain amount for the weekend/night. Generally, Daddy helps me set the boundaries, but there's no punishment if I go over. I just try very hard not to.
At this point, the day to day stuff isn't hard. The occasional party is more challenging, but generally the after effects of having too many cigarettes the night before helps quell the urge to smoke again for a while. I suppose for me, I'm just unlearning to smoke like I learned to smoke. Gradually and organically. I mean, I definitely did not start off smoking a pack a day. I started off sneaking one or two with friends at school and it was definitely a social activity. I just put it back into that category of occasional social activity like drinking.
This is long and rambling but I hope it helps. :)
So here's the email:
I think we all have those days where we just say "fuck it". I don't think there's anything wrong with it, except when it becomes our constant state of being. I don't have any easy or quick "cures" to smoking, but I'll relate to you what I have done and hope that it helps you too.
The biggest thing for me is that absolutes just make me want to rebel, and once I do, it makes me feel like I failed. Most people say you have to just "quit cold turkey" and never ever have another cigarette again. It's like that would be a magic smoke that would cause us to start back to smoking a pack a day and now have failed completely.
So I eliminated that from my plan. There is no absolutes and no failure. There is no "I quit smoking" there will always be "I'm quitting smoking". For me the difference was subtle, but necessary for my particular psychology.
A bit of background on me. I started smoking at 14 and at this point have smoked more years than I haven't. There's been a few years in between when I had quit "cold turkey" but it always seemed like in those moments of extreme stress, or because my friends/bf/co-workers were smoking, I ended up starting back on it. This happened at various times actually. I'd stop for a while, even a year or two at a time, but then back I'd go, and getting back up to a pack a day was easier and easier.
I realized that for me, as a woman on birth control, I had to stop smoking soon because I was nearing the age where they would refuse to prescribe it because I smoked. I have been told that over the years by doctors. In addition, the nasty taste I woke up to each morning became less and less tolerable, and of course the environment here in the US is not very tolerant of smokers. Visits to non-smoking homes made me realize how gross my own dwelling smelled. On top of all of that, my Daddy didn't want me to smoke either. So we worked up a plan together.
I have certain "rules" about smoking and follow them. This is not BDSM rules, but more of a code of behavior to help quit. I have done the cold turkey route before as I said, and it worked for a while at least, but I always ended up starting up again. Now, since I don't intend to ever fully quit, there's nothing to start up. I don't ever fail because the rules are in place and I just follow them.
The "rules" are flexible because there are no absolutes in this. They are guidelines that can help me, but life will often upset even the best laid plans.
1. Set a limit.
Basically, I can have 1 cigarette a day. That was how I weaned myself off. When I got those inevitable cravings, I could usually stem them off by reassuring myself that I could have a cigarette tomorrow. Or, I would have my one cigarette for the day and satisfy the cravings.
2. Home environment.
I no longer smoke in my home at all. However, I've even made exceptions to that once in a while when I have a smoker friend over and we end up smoking socially.
2. Purchasing.
I don't buy cigarettes. I've broken this one before while going on vacation last year, but for over a year now this has held true. I didn't beat myself up over it, I just tried to stick to "one a day" until they were gone and then didn't buy more.
3. Friends & Social Smoking.
If I don't buy them, obviously I get them somewhere. I'm allowed to bum them off people, but my own politeness generally keeps me from doing this often. Now when I smoke, it's usually with my business partner and is mostly a social thing so we can connect and touch base and keep communication open.
The key for me, I think, is the lack of absolutes. I don't ever fail at it. I just take it one day at a time. Usually now I don't even have cravings, but on the occasions I do, I am allowed to have one. And even when I'm in the highly triggering situations like being around lots of smokers and drinking, I make a plan before the situation arises and allow myself a certain amount for the weekend/night. Generally, Daddy helps me set the boundaries, but there's no punishment if I go over. I just try very hard not to.
At this point, the day to day stuff isn't hard. The occasional party is more challenging, but generally the after effects of having too many cigarettes the night before helps quell the urge to smoke again for a while. I suppose for me, I'm just unlearning to smoke like I learned to smoke. Gradually and organically. I mean, I definitely did not start off smoking a pack a day. I started off sneaking one or two with friends at school and it was definitely a social activity. I just put it back into that category of occasional social activity like drinking.
This is long and rambling but I hope it helps. :)
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