Thoughts on the Sub/Slave question

Another fetlife post, but one I wanted to keep since it comes up so often.

I always find the sub/slave discussions rather puzzling myself but there are always the same sorts of viewpoints brought up.

Some people appear to believe that submissives have a certain type of personality in day to day life as well as in their relationship and if you don't have those qualities, you are not a submissive and in fact may be dominant.

L summed up some of these traits when she said, "I am not passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble in any type of way."

I dispute the validity of thinking that those traits are required to be a submissive. In fact, I think only one trait is important, that you submit. Whether forced, coerced, manipulated, or a willing and eager participant, that's all that's really required.

There is no rule about who you submit to, how it happens, where it occurs, why it happens, when, for how long, etc.

For me, and others, I think this is where the confusion comes in because we do see slaves submitting to the rule of their owner, regardless of whether they are happy about it or being forced to do it, they do, in fact, do it.

But, you know, everyone is allowed to self identify, so I just smile and nod if someone claims to be a slave but not "submissive" because they obviously see being submissive as some personality style that they don't identify with.

In fact, if I agreed that being passive, docile, a people pleaser or humble was integral to being "submissive", I would certainly not claim it either, though I can certainly be that way at times, it's generally centered around the person who owns me (or who I have chosen to submit to) and they happen to bring out those traits in me.

In addition, some believe that a dominant personality type consists of bitchiness, rudeness, being blunt, coarse, bossy, pushy, smart-assed, arrogant, stubborn, etc. I disagree again. For me, a dominant personality has to do with personal charisma and charm. The ability to draw attention by presence and not gimmicks or posturing.

I am dominant at my job because I happen to be the owner of the business. I must be in a position of authority, set the tone, rules, structure of the workplace and see to the needs of my employees, with the goal being to wring every last bit of effort and effectiveness out of them while allowing them to function and hopefully be content and satisfied with their work. Wanting them to be happy isn't a sign of my benevolence, it's simply the most efficient way to keep them from stealing, backstabbing, sabotaging, passive aggressive behaviors and quitting.

Dominants have a wide variety of personalities, just as submissives do. Some choose to go with the "asshole dom" persona, others choose more tact and politeness. Is one not really a dom? I don't know. I know that some appeal to me more than others, but those same people I don't care for are just right for someone else.

As for slaves having to be submissive. Well I don't think they are required to have a stereotypical submissive personality as described above, but they are certainly required to submit to their owner. If he is the leader, then they must be the follower I suppose.

I'm not sure how one knows if they are suited for slavery or not. For me it was simply instinctual. I was drawn more and more to absolute authority dynamics. But, the fact is, that compatibility is key. How L sees her slavery is different from how I would see it, or how you might see yours.

I don't consider it to be "All about the owner" and neither does my owner. We look at it as a way we can both be fulfilled and happiness for all involved is what we strive for.

That doesn't mean one of us is right and one is wrong, just that we all find fulfillment in our different ways and finding the person (or people) who are right for us is what makes it work.

It can be quite difficult to move forward after losing an owner. I had a rough transition period after my split with my first owner, but he actually helped me quite a lot in adjusting fortunately. Many are not so lucky because their owner dies suddenly. When you foster the sort of dependence that these relationships do, I think you do need to take into account the risk that entails.